Reliving the past #1

I've been meaning to this for a wee while now. I'm going to post some memories every now and again, just little snippets of my life. Sometimes I may give no explanation as to why I've posted them, but in general I'll try to give a little explanation. I'll try to just post ones which I feel have shaped me as a person.

Before I went to primary school my parents tried sending me to playschool for a bit, the problem was I really didn't care much for playschool. My little sister was sick a lot when she was little so I think it didn't really suit my mum too much to be dropping me to playschool and since I didn't like it anyway I just ended up not really going much.

The first place she tried to send me was where my 2 older sisters had gone. I think I may have went there a few times, but not very many. I vaguely remember a climbing frame and some twat on top not letting anybody else climb up because he was the king of the castle or something. I didn't appreciate that. I also vaguely remember walking around looking for one kid who I maybe knew (although maybe I didn't have any friends there) and walking to the side of the building near the trees down to 2 or so other kids. I don't know why I remember that and it's probably not important. 

The next day when mum went to drop me off I didn't want to go. It was shit and I liked being at home. The teacher came to the door to welcome my mum and me but I wouldn't let go of my mum. I grabbed her hair as she was putting me down and wouldn't let go. I think she had no choice but to bring me home. In fact I think I may have tried the same trick the first day but she made me go that day.

My dislike for this playschool is pretty irrelevant. I'm a little curious as to why I hated it so much, my mum says I used to hate loud noises when I was little and I know I was a very timid kid so a playschool full of noisy children probably wasn't my cup of tea, especially if a few of them were pushy; that would have put me off all the other kids too probably.

So a while later my mum decided to try a different playschool. This one was closer to our house which maybe she thought I would prefer, or maybe it was just the only other playschool anywhere nearby and she wanted for me to give it a second go. It also had less kids in it so I guess that was a bonus too. Either way I ended up having to attend the playschool which is in a methodist church near enough to my house. I don't really know how many times I went to this one either but I have 2 memories of it which stand out.

Chronologically later and of much lesser importance is when loads of kids brought in their bikes and everybody was cycling around the hall. The hall was probably tiny but I remember it being plenty big enough for kids to cycle around in. I hadn't brought a bike though so I couldn't join in. I think I had a friend in this playschool but she was using her bike, or someone else was using hers and I didn't want to take somebody who I didn't know's bike and have them have to tell me to get off it. I think my mum was there and she was encouraging me to just go grab a bike nobody was using but I was having none of it.

The former and more forming memory has to do with jam sandwiches.

There was a particularly bossy down-syndrome kid in the class. My sister always laughs when my mum tells this story but I don't. She wasn't there, it wasn't fucking funny. I didn't laugh. Although I do have a big smile on my face thinking about it now. So, this down syndrome kid, I don't know how old he was or many details, I just remember he was pretty big and really strong so basically any kid in the class had to do whatever he wanted. He was the law. It just so happened that one day what he wanted conflicted with what I wanted. I don't really remember how or why it happened, but I know the outcome: my jam sandwiches, the lunch that my mummy had made for me and I had brought to playschool, ended up in my pockets. The kid squished them and stuffed them in my pockets. I really liked jam sandwiches when I was little and that turned me off them quite a bit. I couldn't eat them because this other kid had mauled them and now they were in my pockets and it was all just a big mess. I'm pretty sure I cried and it put me off going back, but I think I did... 

Eventually... Maybe even only for that playing with bikes day.

In summary, I was an easily offended child and very afraid of getting into trouble. I think events such as the jam sandwich incident really didn't help towards my confidence as a child. It set a trend which carried on throughout a lot of my life which will probably be demonstrated in more of these types of entries.

Here's a chooon that I was blaazing to with Shane.

The lyrics kinda remind me of "A song of fire and Ice" (a.k.a game of thrones books) which I'm reading the latest of at the moment. They're really annoying to read because you find yourself thinking about it far too much. It's very geeky. Sometimes when I'm reading passages of the book I can just imagine the fat author getting so much pleasure from describing the vast amounts of food or the sex-related scenes. It creeps me out. I wish I hadn't seen what he looks like because I never would have thought about that if I didn't think about the book as someone's work, I would have just seen it for what it is.

Good idea - Bad idea.

I'm in college doing some work, quite poor quality work but hey, I'm making an effort by being here at least.

Last night I really wanted to smoke an aul j but my parents were home and I figured it would be too risky since I had to roll one and then smoke it, and then still worry about my mother seeing me; she's a very light sleeper.
My parents were out this morning when I got out of bed so I figured I'd roll one or two while I had the opportunity.

The first one was an ugly little duckling, but sure fuck it, it'll do. I had put quite a bit into it.
The second one I didn't put quite so much in but to be honest, I think I rolled it delish.
It looks great. Not my usual conical mother fucker. This one was much straighter but still a slight conical-ness to it.

I was supposed to be meeting 2 of my friends in college today so I brought it in just on the off-chance they were in the mood but for whatever reasons I'm not meeting them.

That leaves me here.

In college.

Trying to do work.

With 2 joints figuratively burning a hole in my pocket.

Reasons why it would be a:

Good Idea

Shane texted me a while ago. Wondering what I was up to. 

I think I should go home and smoke it with him.

It's getting close to the time where I hate to head home.

I should go home now.

Bad Idea

I got my draw for the trinity squash competition.

If I win my first match (which I should easily unless this randomer turns out to be a hidden gem) I don't get to play the person I was hoping to play. I want to play this guy who I've played with for years and until I stopped playing squash very much, I beat him 90% of the time.

This leaves me in the predicament that if I win I have to play a different player who is far better than the player I had hoped to be against. There's one space in ranking difference but fields of difference in caliber.

It's unfortunate because there's a guy ranked slightly ahead of me and I'm a lot better than him, but since I'm not active in the club, I have his draw and he has the one which I so desire.

Listening to this song makes me want to really just fucking go for it. If I beat the guy in my way I'll get to play my old friend, and if I beat the guy in my way, I should have no problem pissing all over my old friend.

He who is in my way is very good, but if I get him on a bad day, and I train a lot between now and then...

I could maybe win. Or get a game at least.. That's more than my old friend will get surely.

LIES!

I made a post and thought of another one the last few days, but they're quite depressing so I'm not going to post them right now.
I'm making an effort to be a happier person.

Check this picture out and see if you notice anything.

Well maybe you didn't because you didn't have to look at it for 5 minutes.
The picture is bullshit. It's a lie.
If it had loaded 100% I shouldn't be looking at smegging "loading 100%", especially not for the next 5 minutes when it only took 20 seconds to get to 100%. I can understand how it would happen, since the program broke due to connectivity or something but it still had loaded enough to get that far, but really, get rid of the 100% and say connection error or something.
If I make a program which has a loading bar it will never get to 100% because 100% means it's finished with loading so I shouldn't need to look at the progress.
0-99% baby, all the way.

Might be a re-link but whatevz.

Elly and Embarrassment.

There's probably a lot I could say about the squash trip to Galway but it would all be very generic so fuck that.
I want to talk about the 2 things in the title (in reverse order).

Firstestly

When I got off the dart today I figured I'd go get a pot noodle or 2 in the shop beside the station since pot noodle on toast with a glass of milk (straight up) is the bomb. It just so happened that they were playing "Genie In A Bottle" by Christina Aguilera, which being fair, is kind of a catchy song. So I paid for my food and started making my way home.
Along the way I looked back and there was nobody behind me so I figured it was safe to see what raps I could recall and then, naturally, Genie in a bottle (specifically the bit linked) came into my head. I don't really know the words so I was sort of just making them up and singing all high pitch.
Then I heard a noise behind me so I glanced quickly over my shoulder and lo and behold, there was a figure walking quite closely behind me. She must have just came out of her house as I passed by it. I was very embarrassed. She had obviously heard me singing, I hadn't seen her properly so I was very worried it was someone I knew. It was just at the stage where I like to cross the road so I sped-walked across and when I got to the other side I looked across the road.
I didn't know the woman, but she gave me a really good old stare as if to say: "I heard you, you're a freak and a benny.". I bet it's going to turn out it was one of my mums friends or some gossip who knows my mum, that'd be perfect.

Secondedly

I've been listening to this song quite a lot lately and on the bus back from Galway I was thinking about why it is I like Elliott Smith so much.

I think the main reason his music is so nice is how he really puts his emotions into the music. His songs are such a personal insight into his life and what he's thinking about. To be quite honest sometimes I don't even know what he's talking about, but it's just obviously sad.
Some artists these days sort of do that I guess, but more often than not they just talk about what's socially acceptable. The "I love you so much" lyrics in generic pop, the "I want to get drunk, stoned and fuck bitches" in fake hip-hop, and "I want to lash out" in metal. It's all so very typical and easy for the masses to relate to. I like that I can't relate to a lot of Elliott's music, he dumps you into his point of view of life.
From Elliott's music you really wouldn't be surprised that he committed suicide [1]. In a selfish way it makes me glad that I don't ever feel as shit as Elliott must have most of the time.
I had this a lot clearer in my mind on the bus home, I feel like I've waffled and haven't really got my point across here... Maybe I'll try again some day.

[Edit]
This song is well cool. The tune kinda reminds me of Crash Bandicoot for some reason.

[1] - I'm not going to debate.

As you wish.

I got Netflix so I've been watching a fair few random movies lately. Watched The Princess Bride last night, hence the title. Despite being a bit bent it was really enjoyable.

Today was my parents 30th anniversary. Mum, Dad, Moo and myself went for dinner in an Indian.
I love Indian, it's pretty slick for veggos.

We went through the usual chats:

• Laughing about how my parents went on a date, didn't like each other (Moreso didn't give each other a proper chance) and then a few years later went on a date again and hit it off. 
• Then we talked about how mum dated a drug addicted edgy lawyer.
• Then the parents pestered us about our non-existant love lives.

I should probably mention 3 things at this stage.

1. I drove there, but the 3 of them had cocktails while we were waiting to be seated. Gin and Sin was apparently what they were called. Bent name and it was a pretty bent looking drink, but cocktails are always like that. So we slagged my dad for being a batty since he's a manly man kinda guy drinking this drink. That was irrelevant though, the reason I mentioned this is because my next point is.
2. My mother is a huge lightweight. She can't handle much drink, and those Gin and Sins were quite strong in fairness. So with one of those and 2 glasses of wine she was getting pretty drunk.
3. The parents went for a night away on Sunday so 2 of my mates (Shane and Rob) came over and we had some doobies and watched movies. 

I swear to god my mum really thinks there's a good chance I'm gay. She asked me was my friend Rob gay, because "he seemed to dress nice" but I know the actual reason is because she actually thinks I might be gay, and if Rob is gay and slept on a mattress in my room then I definitely am gay so she may as well ask that question in case it's a giveaway. Rob will be happy to know my dad was quickly on his side saying something along the lines of him not seeming gay and wondering what Mary was on about.

Anyway, later she got more to the point and was like "James you know if you were gay, your father wouldn't mind, we would accept you whatever way you are.". To which my father was understandably getting a bit awkward and was protesting saying he never said it'd be okay or something, I was too busy being relieved he was sticking up for me. If he actually thought I was gay I'm sure he would come to be okay with it, so he clearly doesn't think I'm a batty unlike my mum, I'd be gutted if he thought I was, I'd feel like such a failure of a man.

My mum said before she only jokes about me being gay because it's okay to since she knows I'm not. Times like that thought she definitely isn't joking.

I've thought before I could get one of my mates of the fairer sex to pretend to be my girlfriend just so my mum would fuck off, but that'd be something a gay guy would do. It'd be far too awkward anyway.

On the squash front I think I'm getting less shit. I've been playing a little.
I'm actually going to Intervarsities this Friday despite not even being in the club this year, (I don't think they know). They were stuck for a player since someone pulled out so I'm filling in a spot.. It's only on the B team so it'll probably be really easy, which is good because I can get really drunk then both nights, but bad because I'd rather get a decent game. 

Blame Game.

I've started learning this on the piano. I don't have gigantic enough hands for some bits but it's pretty nice, looking forward to knowing it properly.

(I had the wrong version of this song linked. This one has some great chitchat at the end.)

I'm in the library, clearly being really productive, and I am really surprised by how much enjoyment I get from just looking out the window at people walking by. There's a pretty constant stream of people just going in and out of my field of view every few seconds. In my life for a few seconds and then they may as well be gone forever. Each one with their own little story, their own goals, their own little group of friends where they are important, but not to me. 99% of them are as irrelevant as can be to me. I don't know them and most likely never will. Even if I do meet them I won't remember sitting up here looking at them and wondering what their life is like. Are they happy? Do they have a special person in their life? Everybody pretty much always has somebody who they like to think about. Who is it for this obese girl, or that awkward nerdy looking schoolboy who walked by earlier, or the pretty schoolgirl who was walking ahead of him.

The library is a funny place. It's very easy to get distracted from your work and people-watch, especially for me since I always sit beside a window; I just fall asleep otherwise.

It's a nice break from work. 

My life is a break from work.

I played in a squash competition over the weekend. I played in the C-section since I'm shit these days. I lost my first game to the guy who won (he wasn't particularly good). 

I watched a good few games, it's crazy to see the kids who were so small when I used to play but now they're better than I probably ever will be. They have all become so good. I decided I'm going to start playing squash again, I'm going to make an effort to get decent at it again. 

I hate being shit at it.

It's embarassing.

Headless Princess

only a few fools would ever risk it and look into those pupils 

So I pluck my vocal chords, so I can sing to this butterfly 

But I can't utter my thoughts, and they reverse to see her flutter by.

I love this song and I especially love those lyrics. There are some other really great lyrics in there too but that snippet stands out. I'd say pretty much all guys can relate to it on some level. 

I hate to sound like a pretentious twat but, the imagery of it is perfect.

Sorry if I linked this song before, I'm sure nobody listened to it then anyway.

There's a Russian fairytale about a Headless Princess but I'm not 100% sure if they were referring to that, I read a pretty poorly translated version of it and I can't find a better one... 

Substance Abuse.

My friend Christine made a blog post recently about substance abuse and how it's sad. She was talking about these 40 year olds doing LSD.

Well it made me feel like I should come clean. I've been really open on this blog but I've always kept my biggest secret still a secret.. I've been abusing a substance for a number of years now. So far as I know nobody apart from my family members and the odd person who witnesses it knows about it. I've been abusing it as far back as I can remember. I blame my mother for setting me on it, but if it wasn't her I'm sure my father would have sooner or later.

I am of course talking about milk. Most people don't see it as that big of a deal. Most people seem to think it's completely okay for it to be sold in shops. Most people, don't understand.
Milk gives me the buzz I need to get through the day. I "use" pretty much everyday at least once. If it's not a glass of milk (known as taking it "straight up" on the street), it's in my bowl of corn flakes (known on the street as "flakin' the milk"), in my hot chocolate (dubbed "pure choco-powdered"). Heck some days I even hit up all 4 of those methods; those are the days when I really feel like things have gotten out of hand.

When people talk with me about it, they usually ask, "what does it feel like, y'know, to ingest milk?",
well I'll tell you this for nothing, it feels fucking great. The hit is very short lived, but it's a high that I've never had naturally in life. Remember back when you were a small child and your parents came back from the shop with sweets? Remember how excited you were? Those sweets could be anything, there could be any amount of them. The not knowing made the suspense all the more intense. Well that my friends is not even close to how I feel when I'm about to gulp me some of the creamy stuff. Most of the enjoyment comes from the second right before you drink, knowing that your deepest desire, practically a carnal desire, is about to be sated. The moment of consuming the milk is a feeling of satisfaction. You feel happy. You feel relieved.

I feel I've dwelt too long on the good side of milk. I'm not trying to make more addicts here. I'll be the first to tell you milk has its dangers. First off, if you're lactose intolerant you really shouldn't drink milk. It can make you feel bloated, queezy and even make you fart. Even if you're able to take milk, if you take too much, you can get kidney stones. These are supposed to be very painful, thankfully I've never had to experience them but I'm playing a fine line with fire. Any day now I could easily OD.

I'm about to run out of battery here so I'll leave you with this picture I found when I google searched for milk overdose. Just in case you still don't take this seriously.
I may never get over my milk addiction, but I'll live with it one day at a time and I hope this post maybe will let people know just how dangerously addictive this substance can be.

OH and as usual here is a song, except this time it's a shit song, 

but at least they know they're shit and make no illusions about it.