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Friday, 27 February 2015


I've been feeling a little bit "baffled" by computers lately. It's incredible that I can type some keys on this box which makes the machine parts inside the computer which are whizzing around do specific things, sending loads of signals all around the place inside it, reading and setting bits and sending them off to the internet. I don't even have to worry about that crap, but I can make use of it. It's really fucking amazing how well people can build upon existing knowledge.

People are so good at using things we don't understand. I'd imagine the majority of people don't have too much of a clue how an engine works, but they can still drive cars. It feels like the world completely revolves around computers, maybe too much so, but is that maybe just because I work with computers? I spend my WHOLE friggin' time on them. I'd love to play more music, draw more, spend more time playing with animals and doing sports, but I seem to just spend everyday working on a computer, then playing on a computer, then watching a movie on a computer and then maybe even writing a blog post on one before sleeping. It's pretty gross.

There was this weird thing I couldn't avoid on the internet today. Some bullshit about gold/white looking blue/black depending on the brightness you've been looking at. I didn't give a shit but I was bombarded by it unavoidably all day. It's crazy how easily media can be forced upon people. It gives me a very 1984 feeling. Especially for Russia. But then maybe that's only because that's how our governments want us to feel about them, which brings us back to being the ones living under propaganda. I think both sides are probably guilty a bit, but not so much as either side would have you believe of the other. One of my friends is Ukrainian though and he is quite insistent Russia is terrible and backwards and so corrupt, but he also says people from Eastern Ukraine are quite pro-Russia, so where does that leave things... It seems vaguely like there is a risk of a wider war, but then I think that also is bargaining power for trade deals, which could be the real reason underlying everything and there is no real risk of war.
It's worrying anyway.

Got sidetracked there reading an article on a Russian opposition leader who was assassinated tonight.

I should sleep.

I'm half thinking of writing a short story. A proper one that takes a while to read. I haven't fully thought it out yet though. I just sort of want something creative to be doing.


Saturday, 7 February 2015

Job done

My job ended in quite a bad way. I got paid half what I thought I was due, the boss claimed it was my mistake. I'll never know I suppose. Anyway I left there, we'll see if he pays me for my last 2 days work.
At the moment I potentially have a few days work on a friends project, but I should probably really get applying to jobs again. I also signed up with an extra's agency. That'd be fun to try for a few days cash, but from what I hear it's actually really boring.

In other news, I made a tumblr and downloaded an extension for easily posting things to it, so I'm actually going to use it I think.
Check it out.


Sunday, 1 February 2015

My online diary

We're all just functional drug addicts.
I was horribly hungover today. In a weird way.
Do you ever feel hungover and you don't quite feel as if you're yourself? My heads a big old mess.
I napped for about 5 hours probably today to fight off the hangover, so I'm now up past my bedtime. I think that's why I blog less now, I actually am good for going to bed on time usually.

I didn't take any drugs or anything bold like that, but I feel as if I took a shit load, which brings me to my point. Finally. Getting to the point. We're all bloody alcoholics. I drink too much, and as far as 25 year old males go I'd say I don't drink a huge amount. I need to start drinking less.
Could have sworn I would have more to say on that.
I have no train of thought today.

I had this dream earlier which was quite bizarre. I was listening to a song in it called Don't cry, and it was a beautiful song with plain female vocals which turned into some funky rap at end. I woke up a bit confused thinking I must have surely had earphones in because I could still hear the music, and then I realised I was still dreaming (or half dreaming maybe, you know that weird state), and woke up for real and realised there was no music. It's a pity that song doesn't exist.

Ugh I'm opening the gates here, I've too much shit that I want to blab on about. Gonna write them down real quickly so I don't forget. Questioning my sanity, the soul, Happn/relationships. These probably all deserve a post to themselves so I'll just briefly talk about the first one in case I don't get around to these topics as it's the most on my mind these days.

I just googled "Is it normal to question my sanity?" and came across this post which was comforting https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091114200005AAesIxt. I so often think people think about me in certain negative ways which of course sometimes are true, but more often probably are just me being paranoid. I've been told once or twice before that I'm unhealthily paranoid, but I think I'm just afraid of being made a fool of. It's good a lot of the time to think people don't like you (if you have a reason) so you can act accordingly around them, i.e try be nicer to them/ don't rush to trust them fully / etc.. but it's probably not a great attitude in general. Growing up with sisters makes me terrified of being that creepy guy. Girls are so nasty about creepy guys, and fair enough, you definitely don't want to be one, but I think it makes guys afraid of pursuing girls in case they're unwittingly unsolicited. I don't think I'm a creepy guy, but maybe I am sometimes despite my best efforts?
I often think shit that I just don't agree with, or horrible shit that offends me and I have to think, "Christ why am I thinking that?". Here's a classic example of my insanity:
Basically everyday on the tube I'd think something really rude about a stranger, and then I'd think, god imagine if they could hear me, and then I think, shit what if I literally am crazy and everybody is ignoring me? And then I think about something else and stop worrying about it because I don't think it's healthy to think about shit like that. I'd love to know how people think about me from first impressions. I think in general I give bad first impressions these days. I'd also love to know what my friends REALLY think about me. I know the ones who read this blog are only my best mates really so I think I know exactly how they all think about me, I know I'm a bit quirky a lot of the time, but am I actually just weird or annoying to a lot of people? Or boring? I'm very quiet sometimes around people I don't know well. A lil wallflower that's me. Or maybe I'm not as quiet as I think I am.
Christ this is all too much thinking.
Anyway let me know what you all think about my ramblings please.

It's probably the lack of exercise lately leading to an unhealthy mind, I really need to get back into that squashin'.
I may sound quite glum here but I think as a whole I'm generally very happy these days so don't worry about me! I'm living short-term, not thinking about too far into the future. I'm realising just how young I still am. I'm 25. I thought that would make me feel old. It's not old. And who cares if it is. It doesn't matter. Think short-term.

Oh that was another part of my dream.
I was consoling some girl, which was a coincidence that I was listening to a song called don't cry at the time. (I know people say only boring people tell people about their dreams, but dreams are hugely related to what's going on in your life so I'm gonna harp on about it a bit and not care about what those silly people say). So I got her to listen to the song for a few seconds and she wasn't impressed by it, so I asked her to say what was wrong, and she said something or other and before she was finished talking I replied "Forget about it. Next problem". We did this a few more times until her problems were all gone. I should tie in my speel about the soul here but it's half 1 and I should try sleep soon. It basically is that I think I do believe in some sort of abstract soul, but mostly that we're all just living from one instant to another and anything that happened before or will happen doesn't actually matter to us for this one instant that we're living in. Right now, and this changes by the day as my whim of what I fancy to think changes, is as follows: The memories tied to our bodies are only tied to our bodies. Our soul lives forever and isn't atomic. By atomic I mean "indivisible". So in a roundabout way I'm saying it is some sort of divisible. We're part of people who lived before and will live in the future, tied by our souls. Multiples of different people. Parts of others were/will be made of parts of us. Everything alive has this "soul", in different amounts. Blah blah blah.

I just found this quite cute blog from some Brazillian teenager.
I read this post http://www.my-diary.org/read/e/544950105 and then the first few back from 2012. Seems he still writes to it.

I just realised that I haven't actually made 200 posts yet. Scarlet for me. Turns out I was including 6 posts which went unpublished.

I'm sorry for how poorly constructed this post was. It's bad English but it's my online diary so I guess it probably should in general be more like disjointed thoughts. I haven't read over this, so I'm sorry again if there's anything that just doesn't make any sense. God will this post ever end.
Good night.