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Thursday, 28 February 2013

The Riverside.

First off, will get to those next posts at some stage but I want to write about this now.

Ryan linked me this picture and told me he thought I might enjoy making up a story in my head as to how this picture arose.

So I decided to write out a whole story to him, and now I'm going to share it here because I never go to effort with things unless I can blog it to the whole 5 people who read this.

Also listen to this as it is relevant to the story.

The Riverside.

So there was this pig, and his mother, a sow always told him that one day he would get to learn to swim.
But unfortunately for this pig he was born in a pig factory.
He never got to see more water than the bucket in the corner of the 2 square metre pen that he shared with his siblings.
He didn't mind too much though because he knew nothing else, and at night, after the day is over and the pigs that are going to be taken away are taken away ,
(where do they go? They don't come back)
his mother would sing him a song.
It went:

"Down by the river, by the boats, 
Where everybody goes to be alone,
Where you won't see any rising sun,
Down to the river, we will run."

And so it went that every night the pig would fall asleep with this tune in his head imagining running down to a river.
He didn't even really know what a river was, but he liked the idea.
He heard it was more water than you can ever drink, and it was clean water too.
He liked that idea because usually there wasn't much water at all, and when there was it was very very dirty.
Despite the rumours that he sometimes heard the factory workers saying, pigs actually like to be clean.
His grandparents used to bathe in muck when the were allowed outside but that was because apparently there is a fire in the sky outside, so you need some way to cool down.
This little piglet always wanted to try this out. He thought it sounded great. Being outside. Seeing a fire float in the sky!
These were this thoughts as he drifts off to sleep.
And so when he dreamt, he dreamt that he was human.
He dreamt he was outside at some building, drinking some unfathomable liquid that made you feel good.
It made you happy, and carefree. And he dreamt that he was drinking it with a human woman.
In his dream he felt elated.
He had feelings he had never had before, but he noticed he wasn't completely in control of his body.
Was this was down to the drink, or maybe this was all just a dream?
This thought quickly fled his mind as the woman (because that's what human females are called this piglet knew) took his hand and brought him down to the riverside.
Sitting by the river she started to sing a song to the exact same tune as his mother would sing.
It went:

"When by the water we drink to the dregs, 
Look at the stones on the riverbed, 
I can tell from your eyes, 
You've never been to the riverside".

And upon this last lyric he woke up again, to hear his mother continuing the tune.

"Down by the water, the riverbed, 
Somebody calls you sombody says,
Swim with the current and float away,
Down by the river every day."

This thought made him feel positive today.
It was a good way to wake up.
To wake up dreaming of better places.
So he spent his day as he spent everyday, in his pen with his family, but today was positive.
Until today became different...
See sometimes mum was taken away for treatment by the human workers, and she always came back.
But today she didn't come back...
She was gone for so long and this piglet was worried. His brothers and sisters didn't seem to take much notice, but come that night they were all separated.
Each was put into a new pen with less pigs in them, but they were bigger pigs.
This piglet knew something bad had happened. He had heard that you only get to live with your mother for so long, but how could he fall asleep tonight? Where was his mother?
So for the longest time he lay there, until it was no longer night but was day again.
That day went much the same as his previous days with his family; He stayed in the pen all day.
Throughout the day he heard talk from pigs in pens nearby that his mother had been taken away, as all pigs are when they come of age.
This made piglet terribly sad since he knew in his heart, no matter what he hoped, he would never see her again.
So that night when it came time to sleep he said goodbye to his mother in his own way.
He picked up her song and added to it.
It went:

"Oh my god, I see,
How everything is torn, in the river deep. 
And I don't know why, I go, 
The way, down by the riverside"

And with that thought he fell asleep.
And once again he dreamt.
This time he dreamt he was by the biggest amount of water he had ever seen.
There was heat coming from the roof, it didn't look like any ceiling he had ever seen before though. He couldn't even see where it stopped!
There was some sort of natural light in the sky too. This must be the ball of fire he had heard about.
He thought to himself that even humans could have no power to turn that off!
And there were massive white curtains in the sky that could block it out, but they moved in the wind and came and went and it seemed like everything was in harmony.
As he stared at this scene he heard his mother talking from behind him.
He turned around but she wasn't there.
He was alone.
But again as he turned back to face this mass of water, he heard his mother again. She told him that now he would learn to swim.
Knowing she wasn't behind him he approached the water, thinking that this must surely be what a river was.
So much clean water could surely be nothing other than a mighty river, he certainly couldn't drink that much water anyway!
And so he ran into the water.
While there he decided now he would finish his mother's song.
It ended:

"When that old river runs past your eyes, 
To wash off the dirt on the riverside. 
Go to the water so very near, 
The river will be your eyes and ears. 

I walk to the borders on my own, 
To fall in the water just like a stone, 
Chilled to the marrow in them bones, 
Why do I go here all alone.
Oh my god, I see, how everything is torn, in the river deep. 
And I don't know why, I go, the way, down by, the riverside.. 
Oh my god, I see, how everything is torn, in the river deep. 
And I don't know why, I go, the way, down by the riverside..

Oh ohh, why, Oh ohh why, Oh ohh, why.. 
Down by, the riverside.
Down by, the riverside"

Monday, 25 February 2013

What have I got here...

I'm sorry I've been so shit lately, but from my stats I can see nobody really reads this anymore anyway.

I write blog ideas on my phone sometimes just in notes and it seems like I for some reason think I wrote about them, but haven't. So here's some little stuff that I never bothered including anywhere.

Pick two and I promise I'll at least make some effort to write about them before Friday.

Smarter than girls.
Childhood stupidity.
Conversation with god.
Not everything in this magical world is what it seems.

Thursday, 14 February 2013

Don't wake up.

When you lose someone you care about you dream about them sometimes. They're still alive in your dream but usually you kinda know it's a dream. You try and make sense of the situation, but you also don't try too hard because you just want to believe this is reality.
I used to have these dreams a fair bit. They're nicest when you know it's not real, because then it's easiest to wake up. 

It had been a while since I had one of these dreams.

I'll give some background.

I sometimes fantasize about just disappearing. Running away I guess. Just grab some money, some essentials in a backpack, and then just go. 
Leave a note explaining, and then just disappear.
Leave my worries behind.
Leave my responsibilities behind.

The main responsibility of course being keeping myself alive.
I often think I'm a bit too safe about things, and often I attribute this to not wanting to put my mum through that grief again. I think she'd literally die herself if anything happened to me or my sisters. She'd just give up.
I'd like to discover how much of my "safeness" is attributed to this, and how much of it is myself.
I'm sure some of you are surprised by this, since I'm not that danger averse, but whenever I do feel danger and think what to do, first thought is always mum. Is that normal? I literally don't know.

I'm a fiend for going a bit off the point.

So yeah.

Actually I'm enjoying this little route off the main road, I'll continue.

I'd also like to run away to experience other cultures, and get away from this internet culture that is consuming the world. There's places that haven't been so infected yet. I think I've said before about how I kinda feel a lot sometimes like I've experienced things that I know I haven't. I think it's basically dementia. I'm 23 and about to go nuts. 


So yeah I think getting away from computers and movies and books and dreaming too much would be good. I need to find reality. My reality.

Anyway, lets go back again.
Back to the original plot.

No. I'm not done it seems.

I like the endless possibilities of running away. I freak out when I think that I don't get to do every possible life. My inaction in things is caused by the fact that choosing one course of action is actively refusing every single other option. I could get a boat and sail and eat fish and travel as far as I can. Or I could just cycle and travel and steal food. I could go live in a remote town in Spain or Italy. I'd have to get a job though.. Everything comes back to reality.

So I was thinking yesterday as I cycled home pretty late about what would happen if I ran away. The lads would be shafted for rent that's for sure. I'd have to leave them some money. I couldn't tell mum or dad since they'd definitely put me off doing it. Anyway the details don't matter. After all this all I wanted to say was I was thinking about it, not in a seriously thinking about it way, more like the way one might think: "hmm what would happen if I jumped in front of a train.. oh yeah I won't do that so.".

Then I was also thinking about making a rap to go along with this song.
I can do the cup bit, and sure I'm shit at singing but nobody expects someone who's rapping to be able to sing. The rap would be about my sister, so basically it'd be like she was the one singing the song and I'd be the one rapping. It'd be nice and not depressing or anything. Sad but uplifting. I basically came up with a verse in the shower and of course have forgotten it by now but that was the extent of it. I'm always coming up with raps in the shower.

So in short, all of the above can be summarized into, I had been thinking about running away, and thinking about my sister.

So in my dream my sister hadn't died. She just turned up and said that she had ran away for 8 and a half years. I was surprised at how annoyed I was at her for this. It was so selfish. We all thought she had died and were so sad, and she didn't seem sorry for it at all. But then I started thinking, wait, who was that in the coffin then? It was easily glossed over because she didn't look herself in her coffin since she was so pumped with drugs from the hospital. 
In fact I'm pretty sure sometimes back shortly after I had desperately thought maybe it wasn't even her and she had run away, but with a little bit of thought that doesn't make any sense.
I think my logic was maybe she had done something really bad, like heroin or being a prostitute or something and everybody was so mad at her that they'd rather fake her death than us know the truth, so she had actually just been forced to leave.
So anyway back to my dream.
I can't remember how she fobbed me off with the whole burial thing, but she did. And then finally my mind came to, waiiiiiit a second. This is probably a dream. So I did the old trustee pinch yourself. I didn't think to do the thing that actually works, which is looking at your hands (your mind isn't very good at filling in these little details called fingers, so your hands usually look blurry in dreams). 
So I pinched myself and in my dream I for some reason thought I could feel pain and it must be real. I can't really remember what happened next. It's irrelevant. I woke up eventually. Unfortunately.

It surprised me how long it had been since I had dreamt about her. I kinda hope I dream about her again tonight so I can ask her what to do with my life. I think I'd trust advice from myself if it was manifested through her. Well, maybe not fully trust since it is a dream afterall. I probably wouldn't remember too.
She was always good for advice though, so if it's advise from myself but given through her in a dream, it must be what my mind really considers good advice.

Afterthought: I think maybe it's a sign running away wouldn't be a good idea if I was annoyed at her for doing it, although I'm pretty sure I wouldn't fake my death if I was planning on it.

This is nice.

p.s I've given up on that dares tumblr thing. trek. I only did one post! :o

Thursday, 7 February 2013

Isaac is born

The Story of Story.
April 25th, 2010
"i am re-listening to myself these days. learn music i say. and rather than say, that is expensive or that is hard, i say okay. say you love that person – actually, show you love that person and instead of saying that is socially awkward, i say okay. so when rosa says read me, i try to be quiet and listen and read her. and trust myself. i am trying to remember when it was that i promised myself i would get to know the person in the mirror. when? was i high? i ask myself. no"

This is the page I'm on. 
Obviously I don't know anybody called Rosa so Shane you can be Rosa.

I've started a tumblr under the name Isaac http://isaacdaresyou.tumblr.com/
I wanted the tumblr IdareYou.tumblr.com but it was taken so I figured I'd pretend my name was Isaac and that would be memorable because it starts with I.

You can see what it's about over there.
I've a feeling it might not last but who knows, could turn out to be some fun.


Sunday, 3 February 2013

Still Alive


I haven't been bothered to write in this lately, because usually I only write on this when I have something on my mind.
Lately I've been feeling especially happy for no apparent reason other than I want to feel happy.
I was listening to this song by Lily Allen in work.

And it got me to thinking.
I used to think I'm a vaguely depressed person. Not like a problem or anything, just more like, what's the point at life and everythings a bit shit really etc. But I also am aware that most people feel like that.
So listening to this song got me thinking about how a lot of people are on anti-depressants. So I thought for literally about half a second, "Would I want anti-depressants?", and instantly my brain replied "fuck no, fuck that.", which I take as a good sign. I really don't want to be one of those people who needs drugs just to feel normal, and it's not really feeling normal since you're on drugs. I'd much rather just change my outlook on life. Look at the positive things and don't worry about the bad things, because they are the way they are and that's just how it is. I was getting the dart home from work that day, it was dark and raining as I stood on the platform. Instead of thinking about the woes of bad weather I tried to find something nice in the situation. It wasn't hard. At all. The stadium nearby looked incredible. The unnatural browny/black colour to the sky around it from the street lights and city air was nearly magical. The amount of droplets of rain falling seemed incomprehensible. The people standing around talking in the rain chatting about work or people they know or their problems was a sign of how everybody has their own unique life, with their very own viewpoint on the world molded from their time on it. The universe will go on forever, but when each of these peoples' time comes their time will be up, and their unique life will be over forever, but new people will be born and they'll have their own life that will be just theirs. It goes on forever and it's always fresh.

So why not just be happy.

I've been listening to this girl lately.
I think she's amazing.

I love the story in this song.

I'm not crazy about the start of this song, but it's still a great song too.

This song is really sad and depressing and I'm not sure what it's about, but I kinda have to link it here since it's just so damn beautiful.

I was talking to these American girls on the dart the other day, they asked me for a line of boy advice, but we agreed later that you can never trust boy advice from boys. It was really random but fun.
It's funny how bad us Irish are at starting conversations with strangers.

Oh I'm off drink at the moment. Keepin' clean yo.
Throw me some stuff into my Formspring please.
Tell me something you're looking forward to!