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Thursday, 14 February 2013

Don't wake up.

When you lose someone you care about you dream about them sometimes. They're still alive in your dream but usually you kinda know it's a dream. You try and make sense of the situation, but you also don't try too hard because you just want to believe this is reality.
I used to have these dreams a fair bit. They're nicest when you know it's not real, because then it's easiest to wake up. 

It had been a while since I had one of these dreams.

I'll give some background.

I sometimes fantasize about just disappearing. Running away I guess. Just grab some money, some essentials in a backpack, and then just go. 
Leave a note explaining, and then just disappear.
Leave my worries behind.
Leave my responsibilities behind.

The main responsibility of course being keeping myself alive.
I often think I'm a bit too safe about things, and often I attribute this to not wanting to put my mum through that grief again. I think she'd literally die herself if anything happened to me or my sisters. She'd just give up.
I'd like to discover how much of my "safeness" is attributed to this, and how much of it is myself.
I'm sure some of you are surprised by this, since I'm not that danger averse, but whenever I do feel danger and think what to do, first thought is always mum. Is that normal? I literally don't know.

I'm a fiend for going a bit off the point.

So yeah.

Actually I'm enjoying this little route off the main road, I'll continue.

I'd also like to run away to experience other cultures, and get away from this internet culture that is consuming the world. There's places that haven't been so infected yet. I think I've said before about how I kinda feel a lot sometimes like I've experienced things that I know I haven't. I think it's basically dementia. I'm 23 and about to go nuts. 


So yeah I think getting away from computers and movies and books and dreaming too much would be good. I need to find reality. My reality.

Anyway, lets go back again.
Back to the original plot.

No. I'm not done it seems.

I like the endless possibilities of running away. I freak out when I think that I don't get to do every possible life. My inaction in things is caused by the fact that choosing one course of action is actively refusing every single other option. I could get a boat and sail and eat fish and travel as far as I can. Or I could just cycle and travel and steal food. I could go live in a remote town in Spain or Italy. I'd have to get a job though.. Everything comes back to reality.

So I was thinking yesterday as I cycled home pretty late about what would happen if I ran away. The lads would be shafted for rent that's for sure. I'd have to leave them some money. I couldn't tell mum or dad since they'd definitely put me off doing it. Anyway the details don't matter. After all this all I wanted to say was I was thinking about it, not in a seriously thinking about it way, more like the way one might think: "hmm what would happen if I jumped in front of a train.. oh yeah I won't do that so.".

Then I was also thinking about making a rap to go along with this song.
I can do the cup bit, and sure I'm shit at singing but nobody expects someone who's rapping to be able to sing. The rap would be about my sister, so basically it'd be like she was the one singing the song and I'd be the one rapping. It'd be nice and not depressing or anything. Sad but uplifting. I basically came up with a verse in the shower and of course have forgotten it by now but that was the extent of it. I'm always coming up with raps in the shower.

So in short, all of the above can be summarized into, I had been thinking about running away, and thinking about my sister.

So in my dream my sister hadn't died. She just turned up and said that she had ran away for 8 and a half years. I was surprised at how annoyed I was at her for this. It was so selfish. We all thought she had died and were so sad, and she didn't seem sorry for it at all. But then I started thinking, wait, who was that in the coffin then? It was easily glossed over because she didn't look herself in her coffin since she was so pumped with drugs from the hospital. 
In fact I'm pretty sure sometimes back shortly after I had desperately thought maybe it wasn't even her and she had run away, but with a little bit of thought that doesn't make any sense.
I think my logic was maybe she had done something really bad, like heroin or being a prostitute or something and everybody was so mad at her that they'd rather fake her death than us know the truth, so she had actually just been forced to leave.
So anyway back to my dream.
I can't remember how she fobbed me off with the whole burial thing, but she did. And then finally my mind came to, waiiiiiit a second. This is probably a dream. So I did the old trustee pinch yourself. I didn't think to do the thing that actually works, which is looking at your hands (your mind isn't very good at filling in these little details called fingers, so your hands usually look blurry in dreams). 
So I pinched myself and in my dream I for some reason thought I could feel pain and it must be real. I can't really remember what happened next. It's irrelevant. I woke up eventually. Unfortunately.

It surprised me how long it had been since I had dreamt about her. I kinda hope I dream about her again tonight so I can ask her what to do with my life. I think I'd trust advice from myself if it was manifested through her. Well, maybe not fully trust since it is a dream afterall. I probably wouldn't remember too.
She was always good for advice though, so if it's advise from myself but given through her in a dream, it must be what my mind really considers good advice.

Afterthought: I think maybe it's a sign running away wouldn't be a good idea if I was annoyed at her for doing it, although I'm pretty sure I wouldn't fake my death if I was planning on it.

This is nice.

p.s I've given up on that dares tumblr thing. trek. I only did one post! :o

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