When I was little I used to feel unsure of things; underconfident and insecure.
I thought adults had it all figured out.
I thought adults knew what they wanted in life.
I thought they were all sure of themselves.
Most importantly, I thought they were all wise.
I know better now.
I'm not sure of what I want from life, and I guess I am an adult now, but I look around me and see nobody else knows either.
Nobody is as confident as I had thought.
Nobody is that clued in tranquil person I used to think existed.
I don't know anybody who is wise when it comes to human nature.
I think perhaps growing up is simply realising this.
It's realising the world isn't what you thought.
It's not this place where everybody is mentally secure.
Old people are insecure too.
Old people revisit regrets from time to time.
Nobody can know for sure why people act the way they do. Nobody always knows for sure what the right thing to do is.
Nobody is that wise old granny in that film you saw.
I like to think Skye Edwards, (the chick from morcheeba) has it figured out, because that's the way her music makes her appear. And although I'd probably like to meet her most out of everybody in the world, I'd hate to meet her to find out she's the same as me. The same as you. The same as everybody.
I suppose there's comfort in knowing we're all in it together.
We all flicker together in this world, wildly and aimlessly together, and in a few moments we rejoin the dirt.
Life comes and life goes, on and on again.
There's some amount of beauty in it.
There's sadness too, but it's not real sadness.
If our time wasn't limited would we value life so much?
If we could truly grasp it's limit would we value our time more, or would we simply panic?
These guys are a big faggoty but it's relevant to what I'm saying here.
One lyric from The Herd that I really really like is:
But yet the most important thing that's ever happened to me,
And that will set you free"
The whole song has amazing lyrics actually. It's worth a read and a ponder, even if you don't want to listen to the song.
They make better points than I ever could. Ray of Sun Lyrics
It's funny actually. People always ask the big question.
What do you think happens when you die?
Does it not only make sense that after death is the same as before life?
How can people expect that you still live on after death, unless they believe that you existed before birth?
Re-incarnation is the only belief I could possibly buy into. How can people be so hopeful as to expect that souls can be created but not destroyed?
This is going to make me sound like a weirdo I'm sure, but I've had a number of dreams that have stuck with me. I remember having these dreams when I was very little. Well obviously I don't actually remember. But I assume I had these dreams when I was very young and it's so long ago now I can't really remember when exactly, they've just sort of always been with me.
In one I was an old adult, lying on my deathbed in some place. I had family or friends around me and then I died. I rose out of my body and they cried I think. They were sad but I wasn't. That was it.
In another one I was in a big huge circular open room in the clouds. It was some sort of ball or party or something, I'm not quite sure. There were lots of us, and we were afraid. We were waiting to be born but I didn't want to go. Going meant that I would have to say goodbye forever to my loved ones. I had no choice though. I had to go. So I did.
Nobody knows what is on either side of life.
We just have to enjoy the ride.
I told myself a short while ago that I should smile at randomers more. I don't smile enough. If I make eye contact with a girl I very rarely smile unless I'm on a night out. I should smile but I'm always paranoid that I'll be like that guy who waves back at someone who isn't waving at them. Also, maybe I don't have a nice smile. When I'm drunk I might think I look like this:
Or even this:
but what if I actually come across more like this.
This song's pretty copasetic.
I was also thinking of winking at girls sometimes. Winks are so cheeky. Yeah I think I just need to not worry and smile at people more anyways. This kinda ties in with something I had been meaning to talk about actually.
Hot girls on the dart.
They're rare, but when they happen, I always kinda hope they don't sit next to me. That's really just not natural is it? You know you're in for an awkward dart trip home when there's some sweet sitting opposite you. You want to look at them, but then you don't want to be obviously looking at them. And if you do make eye contact the chances are you both have earphones in so you can't say anything even if you had the balls to, and you can't smile in case they think you're a freak and want to change seats. That'd be the worst, if you're that guy who makes them feel so uncomfortable that they want to change seats but train etiquette dictates they're not allowed unless a fully empty set of seats opens up. You also want to talk to them, but that's really just way out of train etiquette. If everybody could talk to anybody they like on the DART it'd just be such a pain in the ass getting it everyday.
I'd never choose to sit down next to a hot girl on the dart, I'd always choose some middle aged man ahead of them. But then ironically I do get slightly offended when there's not many empty seats but people still don't sit next to me even though it's the obvious choice.
Do I look dirty? Do I smell? Do I look like high or drunk? Or someone who's likely to get sick on them?
Or wet myself? Did I wet myself? No, I definitely didn't wet myself. Not yet.
So why don't you sit next to me??
Eh?
Do I make hot girls feel like that when I choose to sit next to some 90 year old incontinent woman?
I doubt it. I'd say they know exactly what's going on. I don't want to come across as a freak, and we're both better off for it.
I'm not trying to say I'm the equivalent of a hot girl in case anybody gets that notion. My point is I'm a very regular looking guy. If somebody said I need a typical male, I think I could probably do that job. I should be easy to sit next to.
[edit: I just realised that I probably only think I'm typical looking because I'm the guy that I've seen the most in the world. Most people probably think they're typical looking? Although, I'm average height, average build, most common hair colour, common skin colour... I am pretty typical :p]
Actually watch this video. It's so gooood.
This isn't the actual music for it but it's nicer music than the original I reckon.
Pro Squash player:
I've always had this thought in my head that I probably could have succeeded at anything I wanted. I think most people nowadays feel that way. I'm not going to lie, I'm actually quite good at any sport I try. I don't think I've ever had a sport where I just suck ass at it. Unless skateboarding counts. I sucked hard at that when I tried it as a kid.
I never actually started getting properly good at any sports until I was about 16. I started playing a lot of squash then and it just improved my balance, coordination and strength for pretty much everything. I still never over-achieved at squash though. I played for the province but never made the Irish team. I never really tried to though either. I had it in my head that other people were better than me even when they weren't. I never had the drive for it. Same problem with sailing.. Sorta. I always had a sucky ass boat with old ass sails. But even if I was doing okay in races I'd do worse than I should because I'd get out of peoples way just because they'd say so, even if I had right of way. And I'd give them room around marks even if I had no reason to let them in.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I, of all people, wasn't competitive enough in competitions. I was definitely competitive around my friends, but mentally I never cared enough to be a competitive dick to people I didn't know.
I always get told I have a lovely style of play for squash. A natural or whatever. I kinda always just thought people said that to every young player, but since I still get told it sometimes I guess it must be true. A guy at training the other night told me pretty adamantly that he thinks I could have gone pro if I had really tried. (There's no money professional squash really so I was never going to.) He also told me to get angry on court and not be so pleasant, because it's hard to win if you're not really engaged in the match. That is definitely true. If I'm having a laugh and really enjoying the match I always play way worse.
I was also told I'm hitting the ball better now that I ever have before which is weird since I haven't been playing too much.
In conclusion, I've definitely underachieved at sports because I've not had the drive to win, but I've enjoyed them so fuck it. I think working actually does give me an extra drive to try in squash somehow. I find I work a bit harder in training now.
Sarah said I never mention people in my blog posts when we had our super sexy lunch date today. Thanks Sarah for meeting me for lunch, you da best. Work was SO boring today and will be for the next 2 days. The guy training me is away and I've been left with not a lot to do and I'm not 100% on what exactly I have to do of the little bit I have. It's frightful boring. If anybody wants to meet me for lunch around baggot st area around 1pm please do so I can justify taking my whole hour of a lunch break.
Peace out.
Stay classy guys.
I love you. Quick question.
Please answer it in the anonymous ("Ask me anything") box on the top right!
I noticed I still got a few blog hits since my last post which is weird. I used to get none when I'd stop blogging for a few days.
Do you check my blog regularly, do you know my in person?
And what do you like (or dislike if you wanna be a dick) about my blog?
Here's a pretty cool video for a pretty cool recap on the last 50 years.
I have a couple of things I'd like to talk about when I'm not so tired but no doubt I'll forget about them... I still have a post in drafts from a few months ago that I'm very very slowly losing more and more enthusiasm for.
I was asked:
"What's your idea of success?" - Feeling content.
That's why I've spent about another 10 or 12 hours doing loads of new shit so you guys can continue to read my online diary that is this blog, now with even more ease.
Google decided they want to get way stricter on their extensions because apparently some websites were installing them on the sly without letting users know. In fact, maybe you should check what extensions you have installed just in case....
So anyway, after my first week of work I decided to do some coding over the weekend. My blog decryption app no longer requires you to go into it to decrypt the messages. All you have to do is sit there and let it decrypt for itself. Unfortunately because of the new restrictions from google I have to make the extension call other scripts in it through this slow ass method. So basically once my blog loads, you have to wait 2 seconds before the encrypted parts will get decrypted. I think it's tolerable. You probably won't even notice. I probably shouldn't have mentioned it... Oh well, too late now.
I was going to do this cool thing where I can auto-update the app, but I have to pay a 5er to put the app on the google chrome store for that, (or find somewhere I can host files and change them while they're up there) and I ain't doin' that at the mo son.
So yeah, the link on the side should be working again now and you can download the new delicious version. Copy and paste your username and password from the old one and hit the Set Username/Password button and you're donezo. If it breaks, please let me know.
So yeah what's been up.
I got pissed outta me brainz on Saturday night. Went to my cousin's house in Rathmines with my other cousin. Got a little sickies. Real good fun.
Working really makes you appreciate your free time so much more. You're basically never bored (apart from at times at work :p ), which is nice.
For people who don't read the encrypted parts they must find this post awfully boring. So here is a little something that I wanna try out.
Answer these questions anonymously, either via the formspring box on the right or as an anonymous comment. To be honest, the only one I'm really curious about is question number 3, so feel free to skip 1 and 2 if you'd prefer not to answer them.
1) Are you reasonably happy with your life so far? Do you think you've enjoyed it as much as you should have? Is there anything you're disappointed with yourself about?
2) If you could go back in time and re-live a certain age, would you? If so, when would it be and why?
3) Do you think you'll be generally happier some in the future than you are now? When and why?
I want to date a gymnast before I die.
Gymnastics is definitely the most impressive thing on in the olympics. The girls are for the most part quite hot, but the fact that they're unbelievably talented just adds so much more to them. Their balance, agility and fit little bodies are amazing.
The title is in fact not about gymnasts as I've never had the pleasure of smelling one. Well not a professional one anyway.
It's in fact relating to something my mum told me before. She said the most important thing in a relationship is that you like the other person's smell. Every person has a smell, or scent if you prefer. You can overpower it with perfume/cologne, but at the end of the day you still have that odour on you always. And my mum's point was that if you don't like their smell it probably won't work out. If you're sleeping beside this person for the rest of your life, you need to like the way they smell.
It kinda makes sense too. I'd imagine how you find the smell of someone being closely related to your carnal desire for them. It's something your body picks up on more than your mind is aware of.
Check it out, a song about me.
It's hilarious. So bad but I'm obliged to love it.
It's actually sad how proud I am of this app. I far prefer it to my FYP which was far more work. This was all me though wayoooo. (and kelly the chief head test engineer ofc)
