I've been doing a fair bit of thinking lately. You see, being a human being I tend to think about things going on in my life. What I really should say is, I have been thinking a fair bit lately about what I'm doing with my life and what I should be doing in the near future. So far in life I have tended not to worry about the far future, i.e >1year away as I think it's a waste since I don't know what I want so it's quite prone to change, I still mostly agree with this way of thinking.
So I've been thinking about November, and my job at the moment, and my life at the moment. I feel it will be good to write a few posts about this to help me make my mind up. No commitment though, I might not post again so don't expect nothing (I want to change that to don't expect anything but it just doesn't have the same ring to it).
My job is going fine, it pays ok, the people are nice, the days go by quite quickly which is a good sign. The work itself isn't anything I'd call meaningful or worthwhile other than to make money. The programming is not modern technologies, it would be nice to use something better but that's not possible right now. It's hard to compare it to my other programming job as I've only been here 6 months, and its a totally different environment, I'm not sure which I preferred. I don't work as hard as the other people there to be honest. I would definitely expect to be the lowest paid there, as I'm the youngest and least experienced. I'm not saying I don't work hard, I do what I'm asked and I do put effort in, but I don't stress like some of the other people. And the reason for that is I don't mind if I get let go. I would like an excuse to move out of London.
Nothing against London, it's a cool city and the people in general are all very nice, but I have no social life here. I have nothing to do in my spare time if my housemates aren't around, and they're not around a lot. It's not like the way we were with my housemates in Dublin. I recently took up the violin so that I would have something to do, I have wanted to for a long time, but it's about the only thing going on in my life at the moment. I even re-downloaded happn hoping for a lil date or just someone new to talk to, and have literally liked over 100 girls and no match yet. I'd feel worse but they're mostly incredibly good looking so it's ok to be ignored by them.
So November. What's so special about November?
That's when our lease ends and we're not renewing it. Oisin may not even be here by the end if he doesn't get a phD in London, and James may move in with his girlfriend, or probably with his schoolfriends. I don't think either of them particularly want to live with me again anyway, and I definitely wouldn't want to live with such messy people again. It would be nice to be home for xmas. But I need to save some more money to afford to go skiing, and to survive being unemployed, and work pays better than not working even with the huge London rents/bills/cost of living. If I move in somewhere close to work and shitty and cheap I could save more money. I could potentially get a place for 150pounds a month less, and I could save another 140pounds by walking instead of tubing for an hour on 4 different tube lines. I did cycle to work for a while, but my brakes came flying off one day and I haven't been able to find new ones that fit my bike, apparently I need a really old style brake. Also I don't really enjoy cycling here as it's a bit intimidating and I'd rather not get crushed by a lorry. It's not a bad cycle, 45 minutes but half it nearly is through parks.
If I moved home I'd have nothing to do is the main problem. I want to move home because I miss my friends and my family and cousins, and the sea, but if I moved home and don't work on a personal project I'd end up getting a shit job for money like the one in Sandyford again. Ideally I'd like to have a friend who works on a project full time with me. That would be fun and we could make something meaningful, or at least the profits would go purely to us. But if I didn't have someone to work with and keep each other on track and not dossing and sleeping in I'm fairly sure I wouldn't be able to do it.
And I want a dog. Or perhaps I just want some affection that my life is so completely void of at the moment. I don't think I've ever felt so unloved as living over here. I don't mean hated, I just mean life lacking of love. Not romantic love, but the family love, or love you get from friends.
I've wanted a dog for so long but I've never been allowed one (I sound like such a child), or really had the right opportunity to get one. I can't get one here as it'd be alone all day which is totally unfair, and even if I moved home we just got a rabbit, so another animal would be a no-no I'm sure.
I'm kind of hoping I'll make some friends here somehow and start to enjoy it, but right now I'm thinking if things don't change by mid October I'll tell work I'm gonna head home in mid November. I could see if they'd let me work remotely for a while I suppose.
Thanks for listening.
[note to self for next time: existential phone note post, blue/blonde haired girl and my dream]