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Monday, 23 June 2014

A short thought

I've been thinking a lot lately about the similarities between us and ants.

With the internet giving us a hive mind and our general disposition to enjoy serving a greater good and numerous other things we really are a lot like gigantic ants.

Message me some more ways that you think that we're like ants please.

This song is really great.

Sunday, 8 June 2014

I'd like so much to hold your hand.

So I was out this weekend.
It was a very unusual night but I really had quite a bit of fun.
For the most-part it was myself, d-money and a girl who will remain nameless. So nameless girl was going to hookup with someone she'd been talking to on tinder and myself and d-money tagged along for moral support or whatever. She was so cute about it. I'd never really seen a girl act quite that way before, she was so happy that they scored. It made me happy. Happiness is such a contagious thing. I think I get too much enjoyment from living vicariously.

This left me terribly hungover this morning.
Dad came in to me at like half 11 and asked me to help him take the boat out of the water at 12 which I basically said a cold No to. I never tell him no so I felt like a bit of a dick, but he really never actually needs me. He just likes to do things together (usually things he enjoys like boat stuff, but I never suggest things so I can't complain I suppose). I always just end up standing there with a rope in my hand for about 4 seconds and then it's an hour of standing around. He could easily find someone to fill my 4 seconds. I kind of hate doing anything to do with the boat with dad. I appreciate the fact that he has all this knowledge he has accumulated over his life and he wants to teach me whatever he can while he can, but it really gets very annoying. I'm surprised he doesn't ever correct me on how I drink water, or walk, or breath, or tell me I'm blinking in-efficiently and I'll wear out my eyelids much faster if I keep on doing it; and really I should spend an hour a week oiling my eyelids. Sometimes I'd do something and he'd re-do it identically. More often he'd re-do it slightly differently. Where's the fun in doing something if you're just going to be made feel like an idiot the whole time? Fuck that. Sometimes I feel like he just likes to feel intelligent instead of teaching. There's definitely a bit of both. I only know that because sometimes I notice he goes out of his depth in things I know about, like misusing computer words. He has no shame in being wrong though, I wish I had inherited that from him! And to be fair he admits when he has realized he's wrong. I remember one time when we were driving somewhere in town and a bus cut us off which was quite dangerous. Dad rolled down his window and started shouting at the driver, but then the bus driver told dad that his lights weren't on so he couldn't see him. Despite being really pissed off dad immediately apologized. At the time I thought it made dad a bit of a fool for having gotten annoyed at something that was his own fault, but as time went on I've become more impressed when I think about it. It takes a big man to admit you're wrong while you're still angry. And it wasn't very dark either, so the bus drivers excuse was debatable really.
Anyway we went for a cycle together this evening so hopefully that counts as our doing something and he won't hold the boat thing against me.

By the way in case you're wondering, no I didn't score anybody last night. I did get this lovely message from someone though "Fuck off, you're not shit. If you're shit then what does that make everyone else?".
Thanks, this made me feel better about myself :).

Someone who I liked for ages doesn't like me back, it's pretty plain to see and I've known for ages. I need a new love interest. Something that could actually happen...

It's time for bed. I'm going to drift off to sleep listening to this and thinking about what would happen if I just tried to kiss her. What's the worst that could happen? Surely it'd be outweighed by the best that could happen...

I'd like so much to hold your hand.

Friday, 6 June 2014

Somebody somewhere loves you, despite yourself.

Such a chill one.

So I've just finished my first week in work. A 4 day week. It's exhausting stuff. I get up so early which I'm actually not finding too much of an issue, but it's just I have nothing to do there so it's such boring days. Why can't they just give me some work? Teach me something? And I get there at 8am (so I beat traffic.. If I leave 10 minutes later it takes 40 minutes longer apparently....) but I don't need to be there until 9..... So it's an extra long day of pretending to be busy while just reading news.. I've been seeing mates after work each day though which is really nice.

I had this dream recently...
It was like a dream I had when I was quite young...
I had to wake up from life. I was being warned that real life wasn't the real thing. That someone somewhere wants me to wake up to my actual real life, and that would require me killing myself when I woke up. I haven't yet killed myself so I can't say for sure but I'm harbouring doubts about that being a good idea. I feel like the idea was that if I don't wake up I'll stay trapped in this life forever and never wake up to my ACTUAL real life, and that there are people encouraging me to wake up I just can't hear them.
A life with more feeling. Do you ever sort of feel a moment and you get kinda overcome with an emotion you can't place. It's a nice feeling. I remember when I was younger wondering if that's how I used to always feel, has life numbed me? Have I gained the world..
I think it may have been.

This may sound like a whole bunch of crazy, but I'm very tired so I'm probably explaining it terribly.

It's been on my mind a fair bit lately the fact that I STILL haven't scored since the ex and I broke up which was fucking yonks ago too. It's kinda depressing. It's not from not wanting to really, I've just gone back in to my shitty single ways. She basically had someone lined up as we were ending and was with them right after and still is; not that I mind at all, I'm genuinely happy for her and was at the time, but how is it that she was so much better than me? How am I so shit? I used to think that I was probably the more fun one, the one making the jokes and not afraid to look like an idiot in front of strangers if it'd make her smile, which it never did really, she'd be embarrassed by me but I'd enjoy myself at least. Maybe I'm just an asshole who thinks he's great?

I think I should go out and do a load of cocaine. I hear it gives you lots of confidence. I could use that. Fuck my modesty. I believe it too (my modesty... I think I'm modest.... I am right?). I wish I was one of those fools who say they're good at things they're not good at, who don't care about looking like an idiot. Who can bullshit shamelessly.

I'm tired.


So I've FINALLY been offered a job in a pretty good company. Should be a pretty deece job. The only thing is the commute is a bit tough but I'll deal with it and move out nearer too it hopefully in time.
I haven't actually signed any contract or anything yet so I will hold off any excitement until I've actually started.

Now that I've been offered a job I don't have to worry so much about looking for one, it has finally given me the time to realise that I still haven't so much as kissed a girl since I broke up with the ex. Like I had obviously known before but it hadn't bothered me in the slightest until now. I've barely been out or talking to potential fembots at all. If I am out I never seem to fancy random girls. I think it's the same problem I've always had growing up. I used to kind of assume the worst in people I don't know. I used to be a bit afraid as a child of talking to new kids because I would think they might be horrible and be mean to me. I'm not saying I'm worried strangers will be mean to me now, I just don't expect a lot from them.

I started writing this friggin' ages ago and then got bored and stopped.
I now want to write a different post......