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Friday, 6 June 2014

Somebody somewhere loves you, despite yourself.

Such a chill one.

So I've just finished my first week in work. A 4 day week. It's exhausting stuff. I get up so early which I'm actually not finding too much of an issue, but it's just I have nothing to do there so it's such boring days. Why can't they just give me some work? Teach me something? And I get there at 8am (so I beat traffic.. If I leave 10 minutes later it takes 40 minutes longer apparently....) but I don't need to be there until 9..... So it's an extra long day of pretending to be busy while just reading news.. I've been seeing mates after work each day though which is really nice.

I had this dream recently...
It was like a dream I had when I was quite young...
I had to wake up from life. I was being warned that real life wasn't the real thing. That someone somewhere wants me to wake up to my actual real life, and that would require me killing myself when I woke up. I haven't yet killed myself so I can't say for sure but I'm harbouring doubts about that being a good idea. I feel like the idea was that if I don't wake up I'll stay trapped in this life forever and never wake up to my ACTUAL real life, and that there are people encouraging me to wake up I just can't hear them.
A life with more feeling. Do you ever sort of feel a moment and you get kinda overcome with an emotion you can't place. It's a nice feeling. I remember when I was younger wondering if that's how I used to always feel, has life numbed me? Have I gained the world..
I think it may have been.

This may sound like a whole bunch of crazy, but I'm very tired so I'm probably explaining it terribly.

It's been on my mind a fair bit lately the fact that I STILL haven't scored since the ex and I broke up which was fucking yonks ago too. It's kinda depressing. It's not from not wanting to really, I've just gone back in to my shitty single ways. She basically had someone lined up as we were ending and was with them right after and still is; not that I mind at all, I'm genuinely happy for her and was at the time, but how is it that she was so much better than me? How am I so shit? I used to think that I was probably the more fun one, the one making the jokes and not afraid to look like an idiot in front of strangers if it'd make her smile, which it never did really, she'd be embarrassed by me but I'd enjoy myself at least. Maybe I'm just an asshole who thinks he's great?

I think I should go out and do a load of cocaine. I hear it gives you lots of confidence. I could use that. Fuck my modesty. I believe it too (my modesty... I think I'm modest.... I am right?). I wish I was one of those fools who say they're good at things they're not good at, who don't care about looking like an idiot. Who can bullshit shamelessly.

I'm tired.

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