So... Let's drone.
I'm sitting here alone on a Saturday night, with my 2 friends, not my 2 housemates, they've gone out; I'm here with wine and netflix. Oh and you, laptop. Stealing my quality time with the TV to write this. And actually I should mention the huge presence of fruit flies, the fuckers just seem to be coming from everywhere. I'm a bit of a wanky cliche actually, drinking wine and blogging.
So about the title; I was never really told that as a child so far as I remember, I wasn't much of a needy young teen. Quite uncool, and definitely one to say the stupidest cringiest things just because not saying anything was harder, but not particularly needy, at least not nearly as I am now. I think I was 15 when I had my first actual kiss, and second, and then a few years again of nothing apart from a few awkward MSN conversations.
When I was about 11 I was asked to kiss this girl who I thought was unbelievably pretty, but I was too afraid that the girls were just making fun of me, and if they weren't they definitely would when they found out I didn't know how to kiss, so I nervously shook my head and said no. I then heard one of the girls say something along the lines of "he's a dickhead" or something which made me immediately realise I had made a huge mistake. A similar thing happened the following year too. It's pretty sad thinking about how low my confidence was.
When I'd be hanging out with people who were known to be cool people I'd sit there quiet for so long knowing that if I talk I'm just going to say something uncool and they would exclude me from the gang. Eventually the conversation would turn to me and it'd be incredibly difficult to know how to talk after having made an effort not to talk for so long. Actually even now sometimes I'm baffled by how quickly we say things. With friends I don't even think, I just speak, and sometimes it can actually be witty (right?!). When you're around new people you have to be more careful not to offend, and know what these new potential friends think is stupid or funny or annoying. I'm getting completely sidetracked here. Let's reverse this rambling back to ... the start of this paragraph. This paragraph was pointless.
I told myself I'd do better when I'm older though. I like to think most boys did the same. I thought, "I'll be rich, and girls love rich guys. And I'll be more confident because I'll have figured out people.". To some extent it's true,
There's only really one relationship from college that I regret not pursuing, but even then at least I had a reason that time. It was halfway through first year and I was for once in my life kissing girls and drinking and having lots of fun. I didn't want to suddenly lose this and go into a relationship with this great girl. It wasn't until nearly 2 years later that I finally realised kissing girls who don't have names is pretty pointless. It's nice at the time, but it's better to actually make it go somewhere. I have a similar mindset on 1 night stands now. If you're going to take the ever so slightly small risk that this may result in you having to raise a child with this girl, you should at least make sure that she's someone who that wouldn't be a terrible thing to have to do that with.
It's easy to have that point of view when you never get any anyways. I haven't had a single sex in almost 2 years, and only kissed maybe 2 random girls in that time? If I was the type of guy who finds it easy to get girls I'm sure it'd be more tempting to think 'Fuck it, I'll take the odds on this one'.
You might be thinking, 2 years that's pretty bad Jimbo, how do you even manage that. Very very easily is the answer. Lets quickly check our situation here, it's Saturday night and I'm not out. Last night I wasn't out. During the week my only activities are the odd game of squash, generally with a man over 40, and a violin lesson conveniently on a Friday night so that I don't have to drink. Whenever I do head out I pretty much never fancy anybody. I find it hard to stay up much past 2am, and I don't want to take any drugs to help that. My dabbling days are over. Pills did make me love going out again for a while, but my little man brain has a fragile enough grasp on what's real, I can't afford to lose that.
Alzheimer's really scares me. I think I'm likely to get it, and not just because it's one of the scariest diseases and it's natural to worry about myself..
I woke up confused the other night, first time in a while. It's such a horrible feeling. Not knowing what's going on. I had just had a dream where some gangsters were going to kill my wife and child, and then I died and drifted through the air to become part of a huge evil tree made out of dead bodies, which then started moving as I completed the last missing piece it had been waiting for for so long so it could go about it's evil deeds. Then the movie ended and I was saying to my flatmates how I didn't understand the end with the tree just moving about (I think that's why I woke up confused). Then I woke up, and slowly managed to open my eyes and do my routine check of my hands to make sure I could count my fingers, otherwise I'm still dreaming. Then I had to spend a few minutes piecing together where exactly I was, when exactly I had went to sleep, and what we had been doing before that.
I don't want to dream about that fucking tree again.
I really don't want being confused to be a regular thing.
And I really really don't ever want alzheimer's.