Baffled

I've been feeling a little bit "baffled" by computers lately. It's incredible that I can type some keys on this box which makes the machine parts inside the computer which are whizzing around do specific things, sending loads of signals all around the place inside it, reading and setting bits and sending them off to the internet. I don't even have to worry about that crap, but I can make use of it. It's really fucking amazing how well people can build upon existing knowledge.

People are so good at using things we don't understand. I'd imagine the majority of people don't have too much of a clue how an engine works, but they can still drive cars. It feels like the world completely revolves around computers, maybe too much so, but is that maybe just because I work with computers? I spend my WHOLE friggin' time on them. I'd love to play more music, draw more, spend more time playing with animals and doing sports, but I seem to just spend everyday working on a computer, then playing on a computer, then watching a movie on a computer and then maybe even writing a blog post on one before sleeping. It's pretty gross.

There was this weird thing I couldn't avoid on the internet today. Some bullshit about gold/white looking blue/black depending on the brightness you've been looking at. I didn't give a shit but I was bombarded by it unavoidably all day. It's crazy how easily media can be forced upon people. It gives me a very 1984 feeling. Especially for Russia. But then maybe that's only because that's how our governments want us to feel about them, which brings us back to being the ones living under propaganda. I think both sides are probably guilty a bit, but not so much as either side would have you believe of the other. One of my friends is Ukrainian though and he is quite insistent Russia is terrible and backwards and so corrupt, but he also says people from Eastern Ukraine are quite pro-Russia, so where does that leave things... It seems vaguely like there is a risk of a wider war, but then I think that also is bargaining power for trade deals, which could be the real reason underlying everything and there is no real risk of war.
It's worrying anyway.

Got sidetracked there reading an article on a Russian opposition leader who was assassinated tonight.

I should sleep.

I'm half thinking of writing a short story. A proper one that takes a while to read. I haven't fully thought it out yet though. I just sort of want something creative to be doing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOL7aeIDruA

Job done

My job ended in quite a bad way. I got paid half what I thought I was due, the boss claimed it was my mistake. I'll never know I suppose. Anyway I left there, we'll see if he pays me for my last 2 days work.
At the moment I potentially have a few days work on a friends project, but I should probably really get applying to jobs again. I also signed up with an extra's agency. That'd be fun to try for a few days cash, but from what I hear it's actually really boring.

In other news, I made a tumblr and downloaded an extension for easily posting things to it, so I'm actually going to use it I think.
Check it out.

http://heuuuth.tumblr.com/

My online diary

We're all just functional drug addicts.
I was horribly hungover today. In a weird way.
Do you ever feel hungover and you don't quite feel as if you're yourself? My heads a big old mess.
I napped for about 5 hours probably today to fight off the hangover, so I'm now up past my bedtime. I think that's why I blog less now, I actually am good for going to bed on time usually.

I didn't take any drugs or anything bold like that, but I feel as if I took a shit load, which brings me to my point. Finally. Getting to the point. We're all bloody alcoholics. I drink too much, and as far as 25 year old males go I'd say I don't drink a huge amount. I need to start drinking less.
Huh.
Odd.
Could have sworn I would have more to say on that.
I have no train of thought today.

I had this dream earlier which was quite bizarre. I was listening to a song in it called Don't cry, and it was a beautiful song with plain female vocals which turned into some funky rap at end. I woke up a bit confused thinking I must have surely had earphones in because I could still hear the music, and then I realised I was still dreaming (or half dreaming maybe, you know that weird state), and woke up for real and realised there was no music. It's a pity that song doesn't exist.

Ugh I'm opening the gates here, I've too much shit that I want to blab on about. Gonna write them down real quickly so I don't forget. Questioning my sanity, the soul, Happn/relationships. These probably all deserve a post to themselves so I'll just briefly talk about the first one in case I don't get around to these topics as it's the most on my mind these days.

I just googled "Is it normal to question my sanity?" and came across this post which was comforting https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091114200005AAesIxt. I so often think people think about me in certain negative ways which of course sometimes are true, but more often probably are just me being paranoid. I've been told once or twice before that I'm unhealthily paranoid, but I think I'm just afraid of being made a fool of. It's good a lot of the time to think people don't like you (if you have a reason) so you can act accordingly around them, i.e try be nicer to them/ don't rush to trust them fully / etc.. but it's probably not a great attitude in general. Growing up with sisters makes me terrified of being that creepy guy. Girls are so nasty about creepy guys, and fair enough, you definitely don't want to be one, but I think it makes guys afraid of pursuing girls in case they're unwittingly unsolicited. I don't think I'm a creepy guy, but maybe I am sometimes despite my best efforts?
I often think shit that I just don't agree with, or horrible shit that offends me and I have to think, "Christ why am I thinking that?". Here's a classic example of my insanity:
Basically everyday on the tube I'd think something really rude about a stranger, and then I'd think, god imagine if they could hear me, and then I think, shit what if I literally am crazy and everybody is ignoring me? And then I think about something else and stop worrying about it because I don't think it's healthy to think about shit like that. I'd love to know how people think about me from first impressions. I think in general I give bad first impressions these days. I'd also love to know what my friends REALLY think about me. I know the ones who read this blog are only my best mates really so I think I know exactly how they all think about me, I know I'm a bit quirky a lot of the time, but am I actually just weird or annoying to a lot of people? Or boring? I'm very quiet sometimes around people I don't know well. A lil wallflower that's me. Or maybe I'm not as quiet as I think I am.
Christ this is all too much thinking.
Anyway let me know what you all think about my ramblings please.

It's probably the lack of exercise lately leading to an unhealthy mind, I really need to get back into that squashin'.
I may sound quite glum here but I think as a whole I'm generally very happy these days so don't worry about me! I'm living short-term, not thinking about too far into the future. I'm realising just how young I still am. I'm 25. I thought that would make me feel old. It's not old. And who cares if it is. It doesn't matter. Think short-term.

Oh that was another part of my dream.
I was consoling some girl, which was a coincidence that I was listening to a song called don't cry at the time. (I know people say only boring people tell people about their dreams, but dreams are hugely related to what's going on in your life so I'm gonna harp on about it a bit and not care about what those silly people say). So I got her to listen to the song for a few seconds and she wasn't impressed by it, so I asked her to say what was wrong, and she said something or other and before she was finished talking I replied "Forget about it. Next problem". We did this a few more times until her problems were all gone. I should tie in my speel about the soul here but it's half 1 and I should try sleep soon. It basically is that I think I do believe in some sort of abstract soul, but mostly that we're all just living from one instant to another and anything that happened before or will happen doesn't actually matter to us for this one instant that we're living in. Right now, and this changes by the day as my whim of what I fancy to think changes, is as follows: The memories tied to our bodies are only tied to our bodies. Our soul lives forever and isn't atomic. By atomic I mean "indivisible". So in a roundabout way I'm saying it is some sort of divisible. We're part of people who lived before and will live in the future, tied by our souls. Multiples of different people. Parts of others were/will be made of parts of us. Everything alive has this "soul", in different amounts. Blah blah blah.

I just found this quite cute blog from some Brazillian teenager.
I read this post http://www.my-diary.org/read/e/544950105 and then the first few back from 2012. Seems he still writes to it.

I just realised that I haven't actually made 200 posts yet. Scarlet for me. Turns out I was including 6 posts which went unpublished.

I'm sorry for how poorly constructed this post was. It's bad English but it's my online diary so I guess it probably should in general be more like disjointed thoughts. I haven't read over this, so I'm sorry again if there's anything that just doesn't make any sense. God will this post ever end.
Good night.

201 posts

My last blog post was my 200th post, which is quite a landmark. I was thinking of having my 200th post my last one, a nice round number to finish it off on, but I don't want to finish this without saying goodbye, so I'm not gonna finish it yet. I definitely won't make 250 though :s

Throughout my blogs lifetime I've always watched the stats, and for a while I quite enjoyed getting more views. It made me feel like what I was writing was worth reading for reason.

So to anybody still checking up on my blog here's some stats on it that I'm going to share because I've nothing more interesting to say.

Right now my blog has had 11,755 views. Mostly Irish, and then the States ones are probably entirely Dave :P, my first blog post was most viewed, and March 2013 was my biggest month with 530 views. I know it's a pittance compared to what some other people I know were getting on their blogs, and I'm skeptical about whether these are all real people, but I'm still happy with it. It would have been fun to get more comments from strangers (I think I got 1, maybe 2).
I was hoping to find a list of all the tags/labels I've used for my posts, I never re-use one, but I couldn't find any list :(.

Anyway, here are the stats for anybody bored enough to care.

Next time I'll talk about something exciting. I promise.

A very short story: A Breath Before

Everything is bright in this palace of light where only souls reside.

We reluctantly express our goodbye before we embark on this next breath of life.
A breath which, much like a dream can last both an instant and an eternity at the same time.
And therein is what troubles me; if we spend a lifetime apart will we still remember what we had?

We recall the life we spent together, but was there not a life before that again?
If in life we forget what came before birth, in death does it still elude us or does it come rushing back?

I will find you in this life.
I will remember.
I can't forget you.

My turn has come.
I begin to breathe in.
And I try not to forget..

A very short story: My Last Breath

It's a short distance, but it may as well be an ocean.

My arms are the first thing to give up. Breaching the surface becomes impossible, as if someone is holding onto my arms, weighing me down.
I slowly turn onto my back again and kick desperately, hoping to float. A soft wave immediately flows over my half submerged face and I inhale more water.

My eyes are open and I'm suddenly aware of just how dark it is. The water doesn't feel cold anymore. I glance up through the water for one last look at the moon but the overcast sky denies me.
I wonder how she'll react when she hears the news. 
I feel sad as I know she doesn't care as much as I would like.
I give two last desperate kicks and manage to breach the surface; a pathetically futile gesture as I only manage a brief cough before going under yet again.

I cough and splurt and inhale water and feel my insides burn, and my head throbs but not as badly as I had expected.
I notice that I'm sinking as I drift off into unconsciousness. For the last split-second of my life I see her face.

Finally I shudder violently as my living body grinds to a dead stop.

Everything is dark now as my feet finally touch the seabed.

I wonder if she cried.

The grave I don't visit.

It's a cold place where in life she never was. A small plot of land in a field not particularly close to where she lived.

To me it has nothing to do with her, other than a reminder of those days when she was in hospital, and the days when she had just died. Her bones have rested there for nearly 10 years now, but there's more of her inside of me than inside her bones. Thinking about a lost loved one isn't something you do so much as something you live with. 

Why would I go to a place just to remind myself of the worst time of my life? I know it happened, every day her absence is there somewhere in your mind. It'd be impossible to say if I think about her every day, I don't know how often I think about her. What even constitutes thinking about someone? Is it just thinking their name? Is it remembering some event you shared? Is it recalling how you felt in their presence?

Death isn't hard on the person who dies. Dying may be if it's drawn out, but death isn't. 

For them it's over. 

Death is hardest on the people left behind. So does that make mourning a selfish act? I don't think so. You're sad that they're not with you for important events, or non-important events, but you're also sad that they no longer get to experience life, which for the most part can be pretty good.

Some day in the not very distant future I too will be dead. The only thing that remains of anybody is the impression they leave on other people. This is passed onto their children, and that again helps shape their children and so on. Every good and bad person you meet in your life leaves an impression on you that helps you to define yourself, and you leave an impression on them whether either of you realise it or not. 

In that way, nobody ever really dies. Everybody is survived in some aspect by leaving a mark on others. The only change is when you die your impression is no longer active. It has taken it's effect, like a forced bend in a growing tree. The tree will live it's entire life with that bend in it, even when you remove your (for want of a better term) "bending force". 

She's survived through everybody who ever met her. 

Especially those who loved her, and who she loved.

She's survived through me, and the biggest testament to her life that I can make is putting to the forefront the parts of me that she shaped.