Respect the thin line eh?

I love this song. I've always liked it, but over the last agess I've had a real big crush on one particular girl and it made me feel like I could really relate to a lot of this song. 

Before I start I should probably say I was in Galway over the weekend and got terribly drunk, I think I may have told one of my friends that I like this girl but I don't remember, I was too drunk to remember much. I then had horrible hangover blues in work one of the days and was hating myself for not having the balls to say what I wanted. 

We're good friends but I knew she doesn't like me the way I like her, but I figured fuck it I have to tell her. So I did. For so long I'd felt there was no point saying anything because it only would mean nothing would probably ever happen then, so I thought I'd be better off just hoping she starts to like me some time. 

This was a terrible plan. 

When I was with the ex (who I really don't think reads this, but if you do eh, skip the next few lines), I used to think about how I have a lot more fun with this other girl, and that whenever we broke up I'd have to tell the crush before I start another relationship because if she likes me that'd be amazing, and if not, well at least then hopefully I'll stop comparing other girls to her; they all fall so short. So I finally plucked my vocal chords so I could sing to this butterfly, and sent my words via text because anything else would be too frightening. It was the most difficult text I've ever sent. Knowing that she wouldn't want anything, but still hoping for that 1% chance she did, and trying to make it obvious that it's totally okay for her to say feck off you're just me mate.. She sent a lovely text back 3 hours later (I had managed to fall asleep early because sleep was all I could do to take my mind off the waiting) saying very nice things and the standard things you'd expect in such a text. I woke up about 10 mins after getting her reply and saw the text. 

What really surprised me though was the fact that I felt pretty great afterwards. I thought I might feel crushed, I wasn't really sure, but I felt unbelievably relieved just to not have this secret anymore. I never knew if she knew I liked her or not, sometimes I thought maybe she could tell, and it made me feel awkward not knowing if she knew. Apparently she had absolutely no idea. That she knows and in future I can be more myself since I won't have to worry about the whole thing is such a relief. Maybe some day she'll come to like me in that way, or maybe not, but at least for now I know she doesn't and I can give other girls a proper chance without thinking I could be missing out on something better. It also felt nice to be able to tell her she's beautiful; I don't know why.

I found some amazing music too last night, and some more great stuff today. This Polish Ambassador guy is great.

Check this amazingness out.

I'm falling asleep here so I'll leave it at that for tonight! 

Goodnight my lovely friends.

Awaiting the postman

I have decided I'm not posting another blog post until this fantastic blog is resumed.

88dates.blogspot.ie

A short thought

I've been thinking a lot lately about the similarities between us and ants.

With the internet giving us a hive mind and our general disposition to enjoy serving a greater good and numerous other things we really are a lot like gigantic ants.

Message me some more ways that you think that we're like ants please.

This song is really great.

I'd like so much to hold your hand.

So I was out this weekend.
It was a very unusual night but I really had quite a bit of fun.
For the most-part it was myself, d-money and a girl who will remain nameless. So nameless girl was going to hookup with someone she'd been talking to on tinder and myself and d-money tagged along for moral support or whatever. She was so cute about it. I'd never really seen a girl act quite that way before, she was so happy that they scored. It made me happy. Happiness is such a contagious thing. I think I get too much enjoyment from living vicariously.

This left me terribly hungover this morning.
Dad came in to me at like half 11 and asked me to help him take the boat out of the water at 12 which I basically said a cold No to. I never tell him no so I felt like a bit of a dick, but he really never actually needs me. He just likes to do things together (usually things he enjoys like boat stuff, but I never suggest things so I can't complain I suppose). I always just end up standing there with a rope in my hand for about 4 seconds and then it's an hour of standing around. He could easily find someone to fill my 4 seconds. I kind of hate doing anything to do with the boat with dad. I appreciate the fact that he has all this knowledge he has accumulated over his life and he wants to teach me whatever he can while he can, but it really gets very annoying. I'm surprised he doesn't ever correct me on how I drink water, or walk, or breath, or tell me I'm blinking in-efficiently and I'll wear out my eyelids much faster if I keep on doing it; and really I should spend an hour a week oiling my eyelids. Sometimes I'd do something and he'd re-do it identically. More often he'd re-do it slightly differently. Where's the fun in doing something if you're just going to be made feel like an idiot the whole time? Fuck that. Sometimes I feel like he just likes to feel intelligent instead of teaching. There's definitely a bit of both. I only know that because sometimes I notice he goes out of his depth in things I know about, like misusing computer words. He has no shame in being wrong though, I wish I had inherited that from him! And to be fair he admits when he has realized he's wrong. I remember one time when we were driving somewhere in town and a bus cut us off which was quite dangerous. Dad rolled down his window and started shouting at the driver, but then the bus driver told dad that his lights weren't on so he couldn't see him. Despite being really pissed off dad immediately apologized. At the time I thought it made dad a bit of a fool for having gotten annoyed at something that was his own fault, but as time went on I've become more impressed when I think about it. It takes a big man to admit you're wrong while you're still angry. And it wasn't very dark either, so the bus drivers excuse was debatable really.
Anyway we went for a cycle together this evening so hopefully that counts as our doing something and he won't hold the boat thing against me.

By the way in case you're wondering, no I didn't score anybody last night. I did get this lovely message from someone though "Fuck off, you're not shit. If you're shit then what does that make everyone else?".
Thanks, this made me feel better about myself :).

Someone who I liked for ages doesn't like me back, it's pretty plain to see and I've known for ages. I need a new love interest. Something that could actually happen...

It's time for bed. I'm going to drift off to sleep listening to this and thinking about what would happen if I just tried to kiss her. What's the worst that could happen? Surely it'd be outweighed by the best that could happen...

I'd like so much to hold your hand.

Somebody somewhere loves you, despite yourself.

https://soundcloud.com/elefanttraks/sietta-carry-sulo-remix
Such a chill one.

So I've just finished my first week in work. A 4 day week. It's exhausting stuff. I get up so early which I'm actually not finding too much of an issue, but it's just I have nothing to do there so it's such boring days. Why can't they just give me some work? Teach me something? And I get there at 8am (so I beat traffic.. If I leave 10 minutes later it takes 40 minutes longer apparently....) but I don't need to be there until 9..... So it's an extra long day of pretending to be busy while just reading news.. I've been seeing mates after work each day though which is really nice.

I had this dream recently...
It was like a dream I had when I was quite young...
I had to wake up from life. I was being warned that real life wasn't the real thing. That someone somewhere wants me to wake up to my actual real life, and that would require me killing myself when I woke up. I haven't yet killed myself so I can't say for sure but I'm harbouring doubts about that being a good idea. I feel like the idea was that if I don't wake up I'll stay trapped in this life forever and never wake up to my ACTUAL real life, and that there are people encouraging me to wake up I just can't hear them.
A life with more feeling. Do you ever sort of feel a moment and you get kinda overcome with an emotion you can't place. It's a nice feeling. I remember when I was younger wondering if that's how I used to always feel, has life numbed me? Have I gained the world..
I think it may have been.

This may sound like a whole bunch of crazy, but I'm very tired so I'm probably explaining it terribly.

It's been on my mind a fair bit lately the fact that I STILL haven't scored since the ex and I broke up which was fucking yonks ago too. It's kinda depressing. It's not from not wanting to really, I've just gone back in to my shitty single ways. She basically had someone lined up as we were ending and was with them right after and still is; not that I mind at all, I'm genuinely happy for her and was at the time, but how is it that she was so much better than me? How am I so shit? I used to think that I was probably the more fun one, the one making the jokes and not afraid to look like an idiot in front of strangers if it'd make her smile, which it never did really, she'd be embarrassed by me but I'd enjoy myself at least. Maybe I'm just an asshole who thinks he's great?

I think I should go out and do a load of cocaine. I hear it gives you lots of confidence. I could use that. Fuck my modesty. I believe it too (my modesty... I think I'm modest.... I am right?). I wish I was one of those fools who say they're good at things they're not good at, who don't care about looking like an idiot. Who can bullshit shamelessly.

I'm tired.

Wallflower

So I've FINALLY been offered a job in a pretty good company. Should be a pretty deece job. The only thing is the commute is a bit tough but I'll deal with it and move out nearer too it hopefully in time.
I haven't actually signed any contract or anything yet so I will hold off any excitement until I've actually started.

Now that I've been offered a job I don't have to worry so much about looking for one, it has finally given me the time to realise that I still haven't so much as kissed a girl since I broke up with the ex. Like I had obviously known before but it hadn't bothered me in the slightest until now. I've barely been out or talking to potential fembots at all. If I am out I never seem to fancy random girls. I think it's the same problem I've always had growing up. I used to kind of assume the worst in people I don't know. I used to be a bit afraid as a child of talking to new kids because I would think they might be horrible and be mean to me. I'm not saying I'm worried strangers will be mean to me now, I just don't expect a lot from them.

I started writing this friggin' ages ago and then got bored and stopped.
I now want to write a different post......

How to Guide: Painting My Skis

So as promised, here is a conventional blog post on something useful that someone may stumble across sometime.

Step 1:
Decide on your design.
I personally wanted a kind of doodle design, so I went for the approach of drawing with markers. If you want a more exact and neat/plain design I suggest you follow this blog on the subject: http://thezarseeffect.wordpress.com/2012/01/22/painting-a-pair-of-skis-research/
Even if you're going to do it my way I suggest reading the above anyway as that's what I used as research and it can't hurt to have more information. If you're going to do it the above way I imagine preparing your design will be the most time consuming part.

Step 2:
Prepare your skis.
This means taking everything off your lovely 2 planks. You're going to need to write down some numbers as it may be a while before you put these back together.
I'm no pro when it comes to skiing so I took down what distances my toe and heel bindings had been set for. For my bindings at least the toe and heel parts pop off the underneath part (we'll call it the "binding mount" for lack of a better name) very easily. There was a small lever you pull up and then they just slide off.
The next part is taking off the binding mount, this bit you need to be slightly more careful with as you don't want to ruin the holes that this mount screw into. So I used a torque wrench when taking off these screws to see what pressure would be required for putting them back on and took down this figure too.
Be careful as you remove the mount as there were some loose pieces that fit against the mount on mine so you don't want to lose these. I taped them to my mounts and taped the mounts together for safe keeping.
Put your mounts and bindings somewhere safe and out of the way until you're finished.

They should look something like this once the bindings are removed.

Step 3:
Sanding.
Your skis nearly definitely have their current design/colours in the actual plastic so you're not going to be able to remove this. What you need to do is cover it over. To do this we first sand down the the tops of your skis so that we have a nice rough surface that our paint will stick to.
It's hard to say exactly how much you need to sand them down, but do enough so that it has noticeably lost it's shine and they now look like an old worn pair of skis.

Notice the bottom of the skis is dull looking, that's what you want after sanding.

Step 4:
Painting.
So now you're nearly about to start feeling like you're making your skis better instead of ruining them. I actually taped around all my edges and taped over the holes in the center of the skis, but with hindsight that was probably a waste of time. The paint should come off the edge when you get it sharpened anyway. A little tiny square of tape over the holes was probably worth doing though, I didn't want paint getting into the grooves and giving me trouble putting back on the mounts. Also tape over the metal at the top to save scraping it off there after can't hurt.
I used a white matt spray paint, and did 4 or 5 very light coats until I could no longer see the design underneath.

Now they look plain and nice and you may be feeling similar to how the other blog says, they look nice and clean and you feel like you may ruin them by drawing on them. What's wrong with plain white skis?
Well nothing, but they're boring and you can make them cool so lets try. Worst comes to worst and you can just re-spray them.

Step 5:
Drawing.
This step took by far the longest for me.
First I drew pretty much everything I wanted on an A4 pad, and then after getting it exactly right I started drawing on my skis.
Here's the very start.

Simple starts

And then after many more hours drawing and finishing I was left with this.

I'd recommend you take frequent breaks as you'll probably be inhaling a fair bit of marker scents if you draw with your head as stupidly close to the surface as I do, it can make you feel a bit unwell. Also, make sure you have good music on while you do this or you'll go mad/give up.

Step 6:
Glossing
You're not finished yet though buddy. You still have what I have since discovered is the most important part to do. You need to gloss these puppies. Get yourself 2 cans of clear spray gloss from a hardware store. I only got 1 can and left glossing them too late so my work got a bit scratched while I was skiing as I only did maybe 3 or 4 light layers.
So to gloss them you're going to want to start with a VERY VERY LIGHT FIRST LAYER. I didn't do this and the gloss blurred some of my lines which really annoyed me. I thought I was spraying from moderately far back, maybe 8 inches, but seriously do a full foot and move at a pretty fast speed for your first layer. It said on the can to wait an hour to do a next layer but it should be touch dry in less than that and ready for another layer. Your second layer you can put on a little more gloss as the first layer should stop it from blurring, but still be careful as if your first layer was too thin you're going to blur the drawings. Just progressively do heavier layers. NOTE: This stuff really stinks the air (it smells nice actually). Be careful and adhere the warnings on the can. Spray it somewhere ventilated, don't inhale it and don't stick around. Leave them somewhere dry and not windy or else dirt may get blown onto them while drying.

You can see the right ski got very blurred from the gloss

You can probably tell from looking at this picture that there isn't enough gloss on the skis, but I wanted them dry for going skiing the next morning.

Hopefully you should be really finished at this stage, all you have to do is put back on your bindings, but if you're like me you'll have to do the next few steps.

Step 7:
Wrecking your skis.
This step is simple. Ski on them without sufficient gloss and they get scratched all over. I took some pictures but can't find them anywhere :/.

Step 8:
Repeat above
This step is also simple albeit a pain in the ass. Spray white paint over where got scratched off, making sure to tape lots of space around it so you don't spray stuff that is still fine. Remove the tape good and early so it doesn't harden with a big edge, I think you're basically guaranteed to get some sort of paint-edge though unless you smoothly sand off a large area but ain't nobody got time for that. Then re-draw whatever is missing. Then coat the whole thing in enough layers of gloss this time.

Hope this helps someone somewhere at some stage as otherwise I went to the effort of writing all this and taking pictures for nothing!