What have I got here...

I'm sorry I've been so shit lately, but from my stats I can see nobody really reads this anymore anyway.

I write blog ideas on my phone sometimes just in notes and it seems like I for some reason think I wrote about them, but haven't. So here's some little stuff that I never bothered including anywhere.

Pick two and I promise I'll at least make some effort to write about them before Friday.

Smarter than girls.
Confliction.
Childhood stupidity.
Conversation with god.
Not everything in this magical world is what it seems.

Don't wake up.

When you lose someone you care about you dream about them sometimes. They're still alive in your dream but usually you kinda know it's a dream. You try and make sense of the situation, but you also don't try too hard because you just want to believe this is reality.

I used to have these dreams a fair bit. They're nicest when you know it's not real, because then it's easiest to wake up. 

It had been a while since I had one of these dreams.

I'll give some background.

I sometimes fantasize about just disappearing. Running away I guess. Just grab some money, some essentials in a backpack, and then just go. 

Leave a note explaining, and then just disappear.

Leave my worries behind.

Leave my responsibilities behind.

The main responsibility of course being keeping myself alive.

I often think I'm a bit too safe about things, and often I attribute this to not wanting to put my mum through that grief again. I think she'd literally die herself if anything happened to me or my sisters. She'd just give up.

I'd like to discover how much of my "safeness" is attributed to this, and how much of it is myself.

I'm sure some of you are surprised by this, since I'm not that danger averse, but whenever I do feel danger and think what to do, first thought is always mum. Is that normal? I literally don't know.

I'm a fiend for going a bit off the point.

So yeah.

Actually I'm enjoying this little route off the main road, I'll continue.

I'd also like to run away to experience other cultures, and get away from this internet culture that is consuming the world. There's places that haven't been so infected yet. I think I've said before about how I kinda feel a lot sometimes like I've experienced things that I know I haven't. I think it's basically dementia. I'm 23 and about to go nuts. 

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So yeah I think getting away from computers and movies and books and dreaming too much would be good. I need to find reality. My reality.

Anyway, lets go back again.

Back to the original plot.

No. I'm not done it seems.

I like the endless possibilities of running away. I freak out when I think that I don't get to do every possible life. My inaction in things is caused by the fact that choosing one course of action is actively refusing every single other option. I could get a boat and sail and eat fish and travel as far as I can. Or I could just cycle and travel and steal food. I could go live in a remote town in Spain or Italy. I'd have to get a job though.. Everything comes back to reality.

So I was thinking yesterday as I cycled home pretty late about what would happen if I ran away. The lads would be shafted for rent that's for sure. I'd have to leave them some money. I couldn't tell mum or dad since they'd definitely put me off doing it. Anyway the details don't matter. After all this all I wanted to say was I was thinking about it, not in a seriously thinking about it way, more like the way one might think: "hmm what would happen if I jumped in front of a train.. oh yeah I won't do that so.".

Then I was also thinking about making a rap to go along with this song.

I can do the cup bit, and sure I'm shit at singing but nobody expects someone who's rapping to be able to sing. The rap would be about my sister, so basically it'd be like she was the one singing the song and I'd be the one rapping. It'd be nice and not depressing or anything. Sad but uplifting. I basically came up with a verse in the shower and of course have forgotten it by now but that was the extent of it. I'm always coming up with raps in the shower.

So in short, all of the above can be summarized into, I had been thinking about running away, and thinking about my sister.

So in my dream my sister hadn't died. She just turned up and said that she had ran away for 8 and a half years. I was surprised at how annoyed I was at her for this. It was so selfish. We all thought she had died and were so sad, and she didn't seem sorry for it at all. But then I started thinking, wait, who was that in the coffin then? It was easily glossed over because she didn't look herself in her coffin since she was so pumped with drugs from the hospital. 

In fact I'm pretty sure sometimes back shortly after I had desperately thought maybe it wasn't even her and she had run away, but with a little bit of thought that doesn't make any sense.

I think my logic was maybe she had done something really bad, like heroin or being a prostitute or something and everybody was so mad at her that they'd rather fake her death than us know the truth, so she had actually just been forced to leave.

So anyway back to my dream.

I can't remember how she fobbed me off with the whole burial thing, but she did. And then finally my mind came to, waiiiiiit a second. This is probably a dream. So I did the old trustee pinch yourself. I didn't think to do the thing that actually works, which is looking at your hands (your mind isn't very good at filling in these little details called fingers, so your hands usually look blurry in dreams). 

So I pinched myself and in my dream I for some reason thought I could feel pain and it must be real. I can't really remember what happened next. It's irrelevant. I woke up eventually. Unfortunately.

It surprised me how long it had been since I had dreamt about her. I kinda hope I dream about her again tonight so I can ask her what to do with my life. I think I'd trust advice from myself if it was manifested through her. Well, maybe not fully trust since it is a dream afterall. I probably wouldn't remember too.

She was always good for advice though, so if it's advise from myself but given through her in a dream, it must be what my mind really considers good advice.

Afterthought: I think maybe it's a sign running away wouldn't be a good idea if I was annoyed at her for doing it, although I'm pretty sure I wouldn't fake my death if I was planning on it.

This is nice.

p.s I've given up on that dares tumblr thing. trek. I only did one post! :o

Isaac is born

The Story of Story.

April 25th, 2010

"i am re-listening to myself these days. learn music i say. and rather than say, that is expensive or that is hard, i say okay. say you love that person – actually, show you love that person and instead of saying that is socially awkward, i say okay. so when rosa says read me, i try to be quiet and listen and read her. and trust myself. i am trying to remember when it was that i promised myself i would get to know the person in the mirror. when? was i high? i ask myself. no"

This is the page I'm on. 

Obviously I don't know anybody called Rosa so Shane you can be Rosa.

I've started a tumblr under the name Isaac http://isaacdaresyou.tumblr.com/
I wanted the tumblr IdareYou.tumblr.com but it was taken so I figured I'd pretend my name was Isaac and that would be memorable because it starts with I.

You can see what it's about over there.
I've a feeling it might not last but who knows, could turn out to be some fun.

Song.

Still Alive

Heya.

I haven't been bothered to write in this lately, because usually I only write on this when I have something on my mind.
Lately I've been feeling especially happy for no apparent reason other than I want to feel happy.
I was listening to this song by Lily Allen in work.

And it got me to thinking.
I used to think I'm a vaguely depressed person. Not like a problem or anything, just more like, what's the point at life and everythings a bit shit really etc. But I also am aware that most people feel like that.
So listening to this song got me thinking about how a lot of people are on anti-depressants. So I thought for literally about half a second, "Would I want anti-depressants?", and instantly my brain replied "fuck no, fuck that.", which I take as a good sign. I really don't want to be one of those people who needs drugs just to feel normal, and it's not really feeling normal since you're on drugs. I'd much rather just change my outlook on life. Look at the positive things and don't worry about the bad things, because they are the way they are and that's just how it is. I was getting the dart home from work that day, it was dark and raining as I stood on the platform. Instead of thinking about the woes of bad weather I tried to find something nice in the situation. It wasn't hard. At all. The stadium nearby looked incredible. The unnatural browny/black colour to the sky around it from the street lights and city air was nearly magical. The amount of droplets of rain falling seemed incomprehensible. The people standing around talking in the rain chatting about work or people they know or their problems was a sign of how everybody has their own unique life, with their very own viewpoint on the world molded from their time on it. The universe will go on forever, but when each of these peoples' time comes their time will be up, and their unique life will be over forever, but new people will be born and they'll have their own life that will be just theirs. It goes on forever and it's always fresh.

So why not just be happy.

I've been listening to this girl lately.
I think she's amazing.

I love the story in this song.

I'm not crazy about the start of this song, but it's still a great song too.

This song is really sad and depressing and I'm not sure what it's about, but I kinda have to link it here since it's just so damn beautiful.

I was talking to these American girls on the dart the other day, they asked me for a line of boy advice, but we agreed later that you can never trust boy advice from boys. It was really random but fun.
It's funny how bad us Irish are at starting conversations with strangers.

Oh I'm off drink at the moment. Keepin' clean yo.
Throw me some stuff into my Formspring please.
Tell me something you're looking forward to!

Oh skii skii muthafucka

I'm going skiing tomorrow.
Terribly excited.
Cannae wait.

If I break myself or anything terrible happens, make sure you tell people it happened while I was doing a double front flip 540.
But if I just plain old die say I was skiing away from wolves..
With a dying child in my arms.
But then there was a big flat bit so I lost all my speed.
I managed to tame one of the wolves and put the child on it's back and have it run off to safety before the other wolves overwhelmed me and ate me alive.
And the guy in the coffin is just a really realistic sex doll someone had especially made of me.
And that it's not for sale.
Because there's not that much money in the world.

Or something like that.

Til next time, I'll leave you with my classic saying:

Keep it real.

Keep it West side.

Or East side.

I can't decide.

What if, being sure and advice.

What if dreams are what's really real, and this waking reality is just our escape from how insane and incomprehensible dream reality is?
Probably not.
Then again, we can't be sure of anything can we.

That's my mentality on things. I basically never say I'm 100% sure about something, I like to think I know better than to think I couldn't be wrong. I know it really annoys some people though, after all it is kind of a bad way to be; it basically implies lacking confidence if you're not sure. That's what being confident is really isn't it? Being sure you're right about things? Lets see.

Google: Define Confident

Adjective Feeling or showing confidence in oneself; self-assured. Feeling or showing certainty about something.

That's a nice definition I think. It leaves room for me to be confident. I never feel certain, but I can show certainty at least, even if I'm not. If I think I'm almost sure about something I'd act confidently about it, I may even go so far as to say "I'm 99% sure" about something, but maybe 99% is too high? I'm not 100% sure.
I digress. I was asked before if I thought I would always be vegetarian, I replied I have no idea, but probably. The guy was shocked that I could feel so strongly about being nice to other animals, but not be sure that I'd always be vegetarian. I'm good at digressing amn't I. I think I do it in most posts, it must be annoying to read actually...

Lets track back. The thing is, people really like confident people. Everybody does, myself included. That's why I think I love Skye so much. She seems so socially wise, like she knows what life is about (never meet your heroes, you agree?).

[I can't believe I've never linked this song before, I love it.]

She seems like she is at harmony with life, which is what I strive to be, and what I'd like for people around me to be. I'd like to feel I have someone I can take advice from when I'm not sure about things.
Someone confident to turn to. This is what everybody wants right?
My eldest sister was good at understanding people, I used to like getting social advice from her, as in why people may be acting the way they are. I used to think she understood life, but then again I was young and thought life was simpler. I don't have anybody anymore who's opinion I would trust when it comes to understanding people (I'd trust one of my cousins actually, but I rarely see her.).

I watched Amelie last night. I had heard quite mixed reviews, but I thought it was really good.
I had actually been planning on writing about this before I watched it, but the movie definitely relates to what I'm about to blab about, which is, advice.

People love giving advice.
Even if they really don't have a clue.
It's hard to give good advice to people, which I guess the movie Amelie deals with.
Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. People are just terribly complicated and every one of us is so different. I think the best advice is that which helps people solve their problems themselves though.
People trust advice from confident people (so long as they're not confident idiots of course), and being confident about the advice you get most likely gives good results because that confidence will be noticed by who or whatever you interact with.
Confidence begets confidence.

I was out on Saturday night, it was really fun, but we spent most of the night talking to these 3 30 year old girls. They were really, really good fun (nothing was obviously ever going to happen), but one of them in particular seemed clued into how people act. It was really enjoyable talking to her. It made me think maybe we do all become more clued in as we get older, but I see so many older people who are utterly clueless too..

I got loads of nice responses to my questions from the last post, I'm not going to post them as they were all quite similar. Basically we can conclude being nice is good.

Oh I'm going skiing next week.
Can't waiiiiiit.

I got asked:

"plans on getting a girlfriend? you should speed date"
- I thought about it before, I'm not sure I'd like it. I also have no idea how to even find out about them, but I'd rather not know so that I don't have yet another thing to think about.
I have enough thoughts, most of which are about people and life so they can't be answered, that makes them quite hard to stop thinking about.

I met a nice girl and did nothing.

Without saying too much, she said I inspired her to do something, which was nice. I thought I could have a chance here, but then she said I'm "a nice guy", that's not a good thing to hear right?
That's good old fashioned friend-zoning right?
Or did I just fall prey to the assumption that all girls like dickheads? Can being called a "nice guy" be a good thing? Lemme know your thoughts please.

"I'm the kinda guy a girl wants to marry and cheat on, with someone who wants someone to beat on.".
-That's what I think of me. Kinda sad, but it's okay so long as I don't fall for some wagon who wants that.

I did go out that night on the last post and it was fun. Wouldn't be put off going out on a work night again. Not too often though.

So Christmas...
What have I done with this record amount of time off...
In short I was very unhealthy, drank lots and had fun.

I keep deleting what I'm writing.
It's all too boring.

Gaffers won the question thingy, since obviously nobody else actually did it.
It was exactly what I expected I come across like if you're curious.

Feel free to Formspring me any suggestions as to what the prize should be anybody.

"was santa good to you this year?"
Yes.

"would you describe any of your friends as having a good moral compass?"
Yes, nearly all of them.

"how do you get rid of mouth ulcers?"
I just wait and try get more sleep so that I don't get more.

"what made you decide to go vegetarian?"
I couldn't think of a good reason to eat meat and keep contributing to this industry behind the screens, and if I wasn't sure I figured I should err on the side of safety, that being the side where I'm not paying people to kill animals for me.

"here's a joke: "the other night i had a dream that i weighed less than 1/1000th of a gram. i was like 0mg.""
Matthew?

"Would you not just go and do the summer camp and the windsurfing and that then? Like not be afraid of it or whatever, and not worry about the job and finding someone, and just go and do it!"
Windsurfing? I've never done windsurfing.
But that aside, I do like my job at times and underneath it all I think there's a good chance it's the sort of thing that I want to do with my life, so it could be a bad idea to throw away good experience (and a possibility of earning lotsa money) for something that may not be what I want to do either...
Then again, as I've said before (and as shows with my terrible "pulling" skills), I often freeze when it comes to crunch time and just go on the side of safety. I have a good bit of time at the moment anyway (before that camp thing) to decide what I want to do. Thanks for caring whoever you are!